But, God?

“I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way?”

Psalm 8:3-4 MSG

Sometimes it really makes me cringe and feel agitated when I hear Christians say things like "God totally answered my prayer, I was looking for a dress exactly like this and He somehow orchestrated all these things in order for me to find the perfect one..." In receiving material things that seem insignificant, I find it difficult to hear people talk like that. Especially when I think about the people who are dying of hunger, or treated inhumanely and completely unjust. It irritates me to no end to hear about 'answered prayers' to things that don't ever compare to the trials others go through, who don't seem to get any sort of helping hand let alone a rescue mission. 

I don't know why it bothers me so much. It makes me feel as though God shows favouritism or that we misinterpret gaining material possessions and comfort as God answered, when it is just so unfair what other people have to struggle through their whole lives. As though they live a forgotten life. 

But I'm a hypocrite because, I long for God to see and answer the wants of my heart. I want to have my own beautiful home one day, where my kids can grow up. I want to be able to go here, travel there and holiday everywhere. And I still always want new shoes or new jeans. I mean, just last weekend I searched a whole day for Italian made leather shoes to no prevail. But finally at the end of the day, at the last shop we almost walked past, I found just what I was looking for. Beautiful handmade Italian leather boots. Seriously? 

Would God change His nature simply because humanity has chosen to wage war on itself, through gossip to terror? Just because we don't uphold to who He is, doesn't mean He will abandon Himself and stoop to our level of doing things. That's why He is called Just and we are not. Although, His Justice might be different to our understanding of it. Is that why we see life as unfair? Because, I might find leather boots I was hoping for but didn't need in order to survive, while someone down the road might be praying for a warm place to sleep but find themselves stuck out on the street?

So why would God give some of us nice material things and let others freeze or starve? Does He actually give us nice things or does he not stop us from choosing to buy nice things? Sometimes I wish He hadn't created us to have free will. Sometimes I wish we were like the rest of Creation, and that we just did what was right; what we were initially intended for. 

Does He not enjoy seeing us enjoy life? After all, He is the One who created it. And if He made flowers and sunsets and beauty in everything, surely He takes great joy in giving nice gifts to His children. Simply because He likes to give. I bet He takes great delight in seeing smiles on our faces. Lighting up our hearts with warmth and love. And in essence there is nothing wrong with seeing God in all good things, because all good things do come from Him. In fact, it's probably quite accurate to thank God about the smallest seemingly minute details. There is great strength in seeing God's hand in every corner of our lives. Knowing that He is close and that He is personal. Personal enough to know about our silly wants. 

But my concern is, what if we interpret that as being God's way of showing love. His only way. And what of the people who are in poverty or isolation or in chains? Does He not show them love? Does he care less for people who live in an unjust, unexplainable, brutal reality? Do they not also deserve comfort and answers to little desire prayers? 

So often I've found that people in real tough situations have more faith and genuinely believe that they really are blessed, than someone like me who very quickly feels abandoned or forgotten by God. Maybe they understand the true depth of what it means to be blessed. To know that God is close, even in the midst of uncertainty. To trust that this will not last forever into Eternity and that God will come through in His time. To believe that no matter the external hardship, it is irrelevant in reference to whether that means God actually cares. I wonder if people like that live more freely, because they are not as trapped by the magnet of possessions. Are we still blessed when we feel lonely? Are we still blessed when we feel forgotten? Are we still blessed when He feels so far away? Can we still say we are blessed when we feel like God never answers our prayers? 

That must be the tension of living in a temporary difficult world, but living for an eternal, all knowing, completely loving, Holy God. 

He knows.

He understands.

I don't. 

So I expect answers. 

And what does He expect from me? Well... That's probably a more resolving question that I find is easier to ignore. 

Still, when I look at the state of the world, I cannot help but feel confused. 

It's just not fair that there are people who barely have their needs met and others who are ruled by the accessories in life.

But God!

But, God?

“My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the LORD grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.”

(Proverbs 2:2-8 NLT)

Two Millimetres

• ---

• "We must picture hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives with the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance, and resentment." (C. S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters)

Spit it out, don't swallow it whole. 

If you ingest the jealousy, your world will crumble all the more. So you're rubbing and scrubbing, "I want none of this, get it off me!" You plead. You cry. You beg. We have struggled with comparison, we have suffered through defeat, we have fought off all the prejudice, we have waddled in this sad melody. Jealousy. Ugh jealousy. God, heal me from this disease. But you know no other way, you have long lived inside this vault. Jealousy started so insignificant. That time your friend was more popular. Ever since those guys called you all those nasty words. And don't forget the rumours that weren't even liable. But suddenly you began to obsess about the thoughts of other folks. And you wondered and you wrestled and you forgot how not to care. Your life became a judgement board, as you looked down at yourself. The worst critic of all was hiding behind your nose. When people told you you were beautiful, and when they laughed at all your jokes. "Oh they're just saying that, trying to be polite, that was pity laughter, they don't even know me, so..." You lived inside the lies and rejected any truth. What was once external became engrained in your pursuit. To be liked, to be first, to be right, to be heard. You'd look inside a mirror and hate what was staring back, without any remorse. Anger boiled inside as you ripped and clawed at the person inside the wall. Hatred stirred deep in your heart. Words that followed gripped your throat, "You are ugly. Look at your thighs. Nobody wants to see you anymore." Everywhere you went, you felt so very scorned.

That is how a vicious cycle is born. 

Can you relate to this at all? Are you plagued more than you endorse? There are days where you are bigger than the destructive thoughts that impair your worth. But there are, honestly, more days that you are not stronger than the words. And even though you've read that you were created with a purpose and even though you know that you are loved so everlastingly, it doesn't seem to change the past thoughts you still sometimes believe. You may have hoped that after high school the world would be different somehow. That you'd suddenly be an adult and everything around you would magically change. But the people who left high school are the same people in the real world. And you may not be in classrooms, but Instagram sure isn't a healthy home. Suddenly now, in private, you can brood in darkness about all the people with better lives, with more likes and more followers. And now you hate your body even more than before. 

But the truth is, we're all living on the grounds of comparison. And so we're controlling all the interaction that we encounter everyday. We don't have time to give to others, not like they did once upon, long ago. We're too "busy" working hard. We're too caught up in ourselves to stop in the middle of our tracks. We are more focused on what might be ahead, than on who is around right now. And many of us don't know how to be a true friend anymore. It seems I don't have an evening free to commune over dinner. Not even a little tête-à-tête. But if you want to sit in silence and scan through social media land, well go ahead and be my guest, we've all given hours to that!   

Everyday I wish I could throw my phone against the wall, go live in a small town, and quietly discuss everyone's family history. But there is always a better reason that talks me out of that pointless idea.

Jesus is really the only one who can fill up the empty spaces. The emptiness of insecurity and ugly jealousy. God, take us back to the basics of simple interaction. Caring about real cares, casting our pain onto Your chest. Even forgetting to look in a mirror without feeling any regret. Because we understand that life is bigger than our skin that wraps around our bones and guts and keeps us superficially intact. Our looks are just a way of identifying the real person found within. And to enjoy simple pleasures that God allowed us to experience. The taste of good food, the smell of morning air, the touch of loves embrace. Our skin, all two millimetres of our external identity, is hardly anything in comparison to the wonder God has placed inside our hearts. Let's live beyond the 2 mm thick, lets dig beneath what can be gathered in a single pinch. Let's live from deep within. The part that expresses the best of our best selves. The place inside, that was made in the image of our loving Maker. Our body? A home of rest, where our Messiah longs to dwell. Though I will never fully comprehend how Jesus walked in a body like ours, with skin and with bones and with teeth and with scars. But I'm so thankful that He made a way for us to live inside our humanity, and showed us how not to be controlled by the pull of our weightless skin. 

Here

Scatter brain

Thoughts here and there

They don't align 

Feel like I'm running out of time.

There's got to be one thing that makes more sense above the rest.

Where is the trust?

Where is my Faith in the unsaid?

Pacing like a tiger in its cage.

A wild river trapped inside a glass jar.

"Just stop,

Rest for a while"

I try, but I'm rushed. 

When we need answers

And we want them now.

How unkind to stress yourself into a craze, there's no need. 

Don't you know, your King is with you!

That's what matters more. 

His Presence follows like a shadow. Wherever He is, there is His peace. 

"I Am here"

Stay in this moment, just be here.

Just be here

Just be here

Please

Being Be

There is no created thing, that has the ability to be anything other than what they were created to be. And they flourish, as they are free. So free, simply by being be. A bird has no longing in the world to be a faster, louder or more colourful bird. A bird wastes no time hopelessly wishing they were a cat or a pretty flower instead. They just flap their wings, they sing their songs, they live their birds-life so free, simply by being be. All things created, have life. Everything God spoke into existence has meaning and purpose. But it is humanity, His most prized possession, those most dear to His heart, who were given the free will to choose a life with or without Him. And we are the only ones who ever wish we didn't have these hands, or didn't have that nose, or didn't belong to this family, or even wished we'd been someone else entirely. We are the only ones who struggle with being be. Our Father, Creator, Saviour and Lord, longs for us to be freer once more. Completely at peace with being me. But only when I know the One who made me like me, who loves me as me and only when I live to know Him better than anyone else, can this become a reality.

That Place Beyond

Over the hill of doubt, through the valley of fear, to that place beyond the comfort zone is where I ought to steer. A dream is still a dream when it's far around the bend, reaching, reaching, still reaching... not yet able to quite grab. Like an optical illusion playing games inside my brain. Turning, twisting, wheeling. Testing the limitations of my dubious dauntlessness. Running around and then back. Give up? No, no, start again. Or maybe go this way. Or perhaps try that. And I make it all about the probable failures of my stubborn, hesitant self-lack. My mind lives at the circus! But my heart? My heart is set on other things. Things from a Divine Kingdom of unbelievable worth and immeasurable depth.

Who is the King of your heart? Who is the ruler of your soul? Whose purpose drives your mind, to make decisions of a certain kind? We cannot have two rulers. We cannot serve two Kings. We cannot be wholeheartedly devoted to Him, but also devoted to them. 

I have a constant nudging. Persistently poking at my sides. Some days I hardly notice, but on others I bleed profusely inside. Gushing through every crevice, wrapping around my lungs, until my breath is taken out. I cannot help but fall to my knees in desperation. Heaving under the weight, almost at my own end. 

I'm suffocated by the unimaginative, purposeless 'comfort trap'. I'm fed up with wanting to live only for myself inside this so-called safety net. How can we be safe, in a place where dreams are left for dead. Far away from any risk, avoiding all battles against a fear of the unsaid. Safely tucked inside a prison, wallowing in aimlessness. 

And yet, I love my kitchen and I love my bed. I love the warmth of comfort. I love the blanket of safe keeps. I love the smell of familiarity. I love the sound of sleep. And I love/hate the walls that separate the outside world from being real. I'll quite foolishlyy ignore the fact that I'm hiding in the doorway to the past. Blindly giving in to its undue governance.

Is that really what you want, for it to say upon your grave? "She safely, never did anything. She died still very afraid." Is that really how you want to be remembered? Is that who you want to be? That girl who feared everything and was swallowed by her own choice to live locked away, for free. 

My darling, don't stay here. Step outside all that you've known. Go just beyond the comfort zone, that's where real living is born. Don't give in to a life of regret. Forget about yourself. His Kingdom is bigger than that. Don't say you belong to the One, but then refuse to follow along. This life is not about you. It's not even about me. It's about all of us finding refuge under His shade, like a great big willow tree. Completely awed by His speechless wonder. In reverence of His heavenly faithfulness. Becoming one of the branches, like part of the furniture others don't even see. We're all just playing a very small role on a very very big stage. So don't become a bystander, merely alive to play it safe. The King is beckoning for us. Do you hear the enchanting whispers in the breeze? We are forever welcome into His Holy presence and steadfast love filled adventure. I Am, where we find all the peace we'll ever need to live truly released. 

"Captain"

(Hillsong United)

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark

I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark

And if from the course You intend

I depart

Speak to the sails of my wandering heart

Like the wind

You'll guide

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars

Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog

Your truth is the compass that points me back north

Jesus

My Captain

My soul's trusted Lord

All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

Like the wind

You'll guide

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars

Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

Like the wind

You'll guide

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars

Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

Jesus

My Captain

My soul's trusted Lord

All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

Distracted Hearts

In my heart of hearts, I know how much I need God. Unequivocally need. Not just want. 

Need.

But somehow I manage to live most of my days, unaware of His presence or voice. I seem to get by "ok" without acknowledging Him everywhere, everyday. I wake up, I scroll through social media, I eat breakfast, I drink coffee, I momentarily think "I should really read my Bible first", but then I see the time and I rush to get ready. I get to work, I do what I do. Somewhere in the day I try and read (more like skim through) my Bible again. When work is done I'll often go to the gym, come home exhausted, shower, prepare and eat dinner, crash on the couch, watch something or other on TV and then drag myself to bed. The day is done. Without stopping to ponder, meditate or even pray. And then I think to myself, where is God? Why is He absent in my life? I never hear from Him. I don't feel close to Him. I feel distant. Why is He allowing me to stay in this season?

But the next day still isn't much different to the last. Does this sound familiar at all??

Everyday you feel more and more disconnected and less and less like yourself. But I know that we all need God for a thousand times endless reasons. And I know I need God if I want to accept who I am, love how He made me and feel completely at ease in myself. That way I can begin to forget about little ol' me. Gosh, what a relief that would be! 

But without Him, my life consists of selfish days, selfish hours, selfish minutes, just getting by, feeling confused and unfulfilled. Time just passes. Sometimes carrying pain, bitterness, regret and anger more than is necessary if I but offered my heart daily into His hands. 

I don't want to live a life only for myself, a life of just getting by. Forgetting to focus on what's real, what's important, what makes life worth living.

God, help me to learn to live on purpose.

Love stronger

Forgive easier

Listen longer

Trust harder 

See clearer

Hear better

Stand taller 

Speak more confidently 

Believe undoubtedly.

Teach us to live even more aware of our deep need for You. Show us how to dwell within the expanse of your Constant Love that is always giving life and more life. Compelling us to chase after Your Beauty with passion, craze and vitality. Never giving up. Just as You never give up. Please, God, don't ever stop chasing our distracted hearts. 

“Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set the world right; Do what’s best— as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves... You’re in charge! You can do anything you want! You’re ablaze in beauty...”

(Matthew 6: 9-13 MSG)

My Dadi

My dadi was a hero. She was brave, strong, resilient and kind. She had the most beautiful smile that spoke of her endurance in life. She had the softest most intricate hands, that revealed all the hardship she had dug through to survive. She had the most loving eyes, that told of deep pain she had carried a long while.

Though our words between were few, as language tried to draw a line. But love could not be held or mute. Love made a bridge, that freedom paved. And we knew she had lived her life for us. She saw a future better than her past. She broke down boundaries and exceeded all expectation of a circumstantial solo mum, in a poverty stricken life, for many years to come. She sacrificed and took risks in a land ruled by men. Against all odds, she sent her son to school, even though she would never learn to read or write. If it had not been for her great life, I would not even breathe here today. Oh how I wish to have had another chance, to give my dadi one last hug, hold her hand and say all the things you wish you could say to someone you admire so deeply and will always love. My dadi is proof, that God can use a little life to do something of immeasurable magnitude.

There are people in our past, who have sacrificed their own, for a future beyond themselves. Our lives are building a family tree. Hold onto those roots, don't live life as a self-sufficient branch.