Complacent War

Do you ever find yourself fighting to stay in the comfort zone. As if your life's mandate is to remain confined within walls and boundaries that you've known up close and personal. Confined being the key word. You start to feel agitated trying to hold on to a world you learnt to control, where you decided that happiness means peaceful, untempered, lifeless days. It's safe and familiar and predictable and comforting. Until it isn't. Until it's nerve wrecking, mind numbing, time wasting. The comfort zone is where you die slowly and completely off duty, and not in the usual ways of death. But more conivingly as it snatches away your dreams, your drive, your sense of adventure, your strength to stand for something bigger than yourself. Indifference is just a mask that evil wears in the comfort zone. Basically, it's when and where you stop caring. Giving up on really living in the moment. Even though you're still breathing physically, you're actually just going through the motions, but going nowhere. Your entire world begins to centre around yourself, still your heart bleeds for another fight, one more try. But you forgot how to care, so you just think about yourself. Every thought turned into comparison, bitterness, perhaps envy. It's self pitying, lonely too. You stay stuck in your own mind, drowning in thoughts that could kill anyone's Spirit. But the only recipient is you. This place you once sought comfort and determined to build your life upon, is also your greatest enemy's technique to steal, kill, and destroy. It can be as simple as, caring more about yourself and your own well being, than anyone else. Always. And you hate it. And it hates you. Yet, you remain engrossed in this exhausting cycle you still choose.

There are always many reasons, good excuses that are true. But deep down you know, you should make time for the things you care about, for what is truly important and pure. If only you could remember what they were. 

But then, Jesus always comes to the rescue, just like He promised to do. As God floods your mind with memories and Words that are His Truth. You're reminded of His care and of the great lengths He's gone to bring you here. His love, so magnetic, it draws you in and holds you painstakingly close. You acknowledge that He's never kept a distance, even when you blindly drifted on. He's always in the same place, right here wherever you left off. Closer even. 

Sometimes the very thing that is "your thing", that defines your purpose on our Earth, is the very thing that gets taken, if you're not careful about whose words to let in most. Humans were created to care, we were created to love, we were created to do more. Because Our God, the Uncreated One, made our blueprint to carry and reflect Himself through us. So when we live a life, that is barely a life at all, our Soul begins to starve and we'll take anything to fill the hole. Stuffing ourselves with little white lies of how passivity is the safest place to roam. Forgetting all the while, to seek the One whose name is engraved upon our hearts. The comfort zone, is anything but comfortable. Don't be a prisoner in your own complacent war. 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV

Ask me in writing

When I speak, I feel like I have a speech impediment or continual memory loss. I forget almost every other word I'm trying to say. Simple words, everyday words, I find myself fighting to grab hold of them somewhere in the atmosphere of my mind. Just hoping to stumble upon the right one in the dark. It's all mumbles and blank looks. There is a great divide between my brain and my tongue. 

But when I write, words just seem to come looking for me. It's like I can breathe them out naturally. As though I'm sitting on a cloud in an open sky, where nothing is hidden forever. It's the only time I am most at ease. Writing feeds my soul. I think I need to write.

Darkness Shook

Light is a bewildering musing. When it's awake, you hardly acknowledge its presence or take much time thinking about it at all. But once it dies away, you're immediately aware of its absence. Like most things, with time, you can adjust and adapt to any environment you're in and somehow live through darkness as if it's part of your DNA. Growing symptoms of negativity, cynicism and hopelessness, like there's no promise in tomorrow. But I've heard it said that joy comes in the morning. When the sun rises and its light warms our daily lives, we have the choice to close the blinds or step out into it plain sight. 

“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.”

(Matthew 5:14) 

Shine it into every conversation you have, into every room you enter, into every thought you carry. Light is like truth. Seek truth, pursue truth, love truth. Whenever you find yourself in a dark place, there is light inside you that is always accessible. Release it. Allow it to reveal righteousness, hope and love. Light is beautiful. It is only through light that we can truly see what is right or wrong. Light is more than just physical visibility. You can be blind and still follow the light of truth closely. You can be deaf and still hear the light of love calling. You can be mute and still speak the light of peace into chaos.

In light there is freedom. The darkness doesn't have to be daunting if you believe you are the light, solely because you have the Light Source living inside of you. “The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone...” (John 1:9)

Even in darkness, we can rest, with the knowledge of His Presence always here. 

There are few things more magnificent than a star filled night sky, one that is found in the desert or on top of the mountain heights. Completely untouched by civilisation or interrupted by electrical city lights. And so it is when we ask Jesus to fill our darkness with His Light. Our hearts become like fields of stars and erupt with unending Redeemer's love.  When the King of Kings settles within, that's when purpose slowly seeps in. What once was a distant, dim, desire, can now become a life breathing fire. As we habitually choose to overcome evil with good. 

That's how the darkness shook. When our earth wept in sorrow and demons lost their power. 'Twas only because of His Great Sacrifice, that a new order birthed through the roots. 

Thereupon our true lives begun to bloom. 

If you feel as though there aren't any promises to assuredly hold onto, know that this one is true also for you, 

"Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”(John 14:1-4 NLT)

And then there was morning, a new day. 

Closer than you know

My grandfather is a pastor, my dad is a pastor and somehow I married a pastor (even though I used to think it wasn't a real job) but...

I get major social anxiety when I go to church or when I think about going to church. 

I have sweat issues only on Sunday's.

Sometimes I don't go to church because I don't have anything to wear that could hide the sweat marks.

Sometimes I don't go to church because it's the place I feel my loneliest or when I'm not having a particularly confident day to face my irrationality. 

Going to church is a struggle every week. 

It is the place I feel most fear, most uncomfortable and most alone.

I don't feel at home there at all.

I don't ever feel like myself either.

I constantly worry that I'm seconds away from being put on the spot and shamed. I don't know why.

I hate the passive small talk, particularly because my voice doesn't travel in a loud and spacious place. People are repetitively saying, "what?" and then leaning in far too much into my personal space. I'm tired of meeting and re-meeting people every weekend and never getting farther than the formalities and friendly forced smiles. 

One Sunday as I was walking over all dressed up, I suddenly felt like I was going to have a panic attack so I rushed back home, holding in my breath the whole way, until I was safely inside and shut the door. Then I broke down in ugly tears and was out of breathe like I had just ran a 400 metre sprint. 

Every weekend I am convinced that church is not the place for me. In my heart, I know that this is ludicrous and I would never ever believe that to be true for anyone else. Never ever ever ever. 

It makes me angry, week after week. Especially knowing that there are people around the world who risk their lives going to church or for openly believing in Jesus. While here I am, safely cushioned in Australia. Freely able to believe and to go without risk. But somehow I am the one overcome with fear. 

I know that when I am weak He is strong. And I know that He loves me with an everlasting love. I know that He knew me even before I was born. I know that if He physically walked into the middle of a church foyer I would feel most at home and most at ease. I would run towards Him and not let go of His arm (or leg). I wouldn't even need to say a word. I would just linger on every word He spoke. Simply being with Him would be everything I'll ever really need. And I would be in complete peace. Finally. 

But actually He is here, closer than you know. His promised Spirit lives within, before, behind and all around. The King never forsakes our souls. Wherever we go, He is. His peace, His wisdom, and His voice always within reach. His love and protection forever true to be. Though we may never know. Though we always forget. Though we often ignore. Emmanuel, it means here with us. Still, that doesn't mean my fears magically disappear. But it does mean that I can be real, without shame. Because in my weakness, He is strong. I don't have any practical solutions for social anxiety, but I do have a thing for people being honest about what shocks others or admitting to what you'd never dream of revealing.

I sincerely believe that we have this strange power to make someone feel completely at ease or totally invisible. But on the other hand, we also have the choice to let what others say or do, to either inflict our wounded souls into ruin or to make our bruised hearts bigger and stronger. 

Choose life. Personify compassion. Exhale encouragement. Bleed genuine interest. Liberate understanding. Seek Lady Wisdom. Wear LOVE like a staple garment, never leave home without it. Tie loyalty and kindness around your neck, write it deep within your heart. Don't be perfect, be raw. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tjFSVf8uRfY 

"Closer Than You Know"

(Hillsong United)

I tempered the storm

Though your faith was small

I prayed while you slept

And the night waged war

We stood in the fire

And we walked on sea

And we drank of the wine

That was made of Me

Don't turn your eyes from Me

For My love won't be undone

Don't hide your face from Me

For My light has surely come

Surely come surely come

I carried that cross

And I felt your pain

I took up your crown

And I wore your shame

And death was a fire

And its teeth were grim

But I left it behind

Along with all your sin

Don't turn away from Me

For My love won't be undone

Don't hide your face from Me

For My light has surely come

Surely Come surely come

Lift up your eyes and see

Heaven is closer than you know

Lift up your voice and sing

Know that My love won't let you go

And I won't forsake you

Lift up your eyes and see

Heaven is closer than you know

Know I'll never leave you

So lift up your voice and sing

Know that My love won't let you go

And My light has surely come

Surely come surely come

And I'm closer than you know

And I'm closer than you know

Lord I hear You I know You're there

Closer now than my skin and bones could dare

Breathing deep within me

You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare

Brighter now than the sun could ever dare

Breathing all around me

God I know You're with me here

Lord I hear You I know You're there

Closer now than my skin and bones could dare

Breathing deep within me

You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare

Brighter now than the sun could ever dare

Breathing all around me

God I know that You are here

For I'm Yours and You are mine

And my soul knows well

You are here

You are here

And my soul will praise You

And my soul will praise Your Name

Singing Holy is Your Name

Jesus

Jesus

Uhh "thanks"

Thankfulness is the key. The password to feeling God's heart raw. The difficult passage into loves lighting. The only road to freedom from the shackles holding us back.

This is what I sensed when I asked directions for the way. Thankfulness is the key, to breathe fresh air again and leap into the open field of dreamers. 

You'll often hear of people who so positively express, "you need to make the choice to be happy and to let your heart forget". It always sounds so typical, so cliche, so "Christian". I never understood how to simply fake your way through all the wreckage. How can you just be thankful when everything you hoped for has vanished from your grasp? How can you just be positive? How do you make yourself happy? Isn't there another approach we can take, in order to walk right and not collapse? Or will we then forever be waiting, never able to relax?

But my normal isn't working, my mind is still entrapped. Though my soul has been set free, I'm left tangled in my own web.

I want to learn to thank. I need to know how to forgive. Letting go is not my strength. I carry too much of what I've been dealt. 

All that I have left, is to step outside my own and thank our King for everything. Even when my heart is cold and my insides feel so alone. Maybe if I thank Him, everyday for everything, I'll see the things I'd usually ignore when I abandoned my thoughts in a selfish mope. 

So how does this thanking thing work anyhow? Do we just say it and be done? Uhh "thanks". No seriously. Thank you kindly por favour, I am genuinely much obliged. 

Oh but it's got to be so much more than saying nice and polite words. After all, words are only true words when they carry worth that's travelled from somewhere deep inside the heart. Without the heart, words are mere nonsensical letters placed in a strategically deceiving order. But the heart always knows. Words from the heart have lived a life within, before they wandered out with purpose to explore the air and journey on. Words of life are like pockets of seeds and water and sunshine all gathered into one whisper and sprinkled over like gold dust. These words never return void. Nor do the promises of our God once foretold. Only when we know this to be truth and we hold onto it for dear life, only then can we know how to live a life of daily merci. 

Perhaps, I should start by thanking Him for what I can obviously see and what I can tangibly feel. Like my husband and my job and my family and my imaginary dog. Maybe then I will begin to believe for a life beyond what the I can see. Yes I meant I. More importantly, maybe then I'll be able to live overwhelmingly devoted to knowing Him rather than to owning what is His. 

Dear God, I really do just want to be most uncomfortably close to Thee. 

That's all. 

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the LORD’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

Isaiah 55:8-13 NLT

But, God?

“I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way?”

Psalm 8:3-4 MSG

Sometimes it really makes me cringe and feel agitated when I hear Christians say things like "God totally answered my prayer, I was looking for a dress exactly like this and He somehow orchestrated all these things in order for me to find the perfect one..." In receiving material things that seem insignificant, I find it difficult to hear people talk like that. Especially when I think about the people who are dying of hunger, or treated inhumanely and completely unjust. It irritates me to no end to hear about 'answered prayers' to things that don't ever compare to the trials others go through, who don't seem to get any sort of helping hand let alone a rescue mission. 

I don't know why it bothers me so much. It makes me feel as though God shows favouritism or that we misinterpret gaining material possessions and comfort as God answered, when it is just so unfair what other people have to struggle through their whole lives. As though they live a forgotten life. 

But I'm a hypocrite because, I long for God to see and answer the wants of my heart. I want to have my own beautiful home one day, where my kids can grow up. I want to be able to go here, travel there and holiday everywhere. And I still always want new shoes or new jeans. I mean, just last weekend I searched a whole day for Italian made leather shoes to no prevail. But finally at the end of the day, at the last shop we almost walked past, I found just what I was looking for. Beautiful handmade Italian leather boots. Seriously? 

Would God change His nature simply because humanity has chosen to wage war on itself, through gossip to terror? Just because we don't uphold to who He is, doesn't mean He will abandon Himself and stoop to our level of doing things. That's why He is called Just and we are not. Although, His Justice might be different to our understanding of it. Is that why we see life as unfair? Because, I might find leather boots I was hoping for but didn't need in order to survive, while someone down the road might be praying for a warm place to sleep but find themselves stuck out on the street?

So why would God give some of us nice material things and let others freeze or starve? Does He actually give us nice things or does he not stop us from choosing to buy nice things? Sometimes I wish He hadn't created us to have free will. Sometimes I wish we were like the rest of Creation, and that we just did what was right; what we were initially intended for. 

Does He not enjoy seeing us enjoy life? After all, He is the One who created it. And if He made flowers and sunsets and beauty in everything, surely He takes great joy in giving nice gifts to His children. Simply because He likes to give. I bet He takes great delight in seeing smiles on our faces. Lighting up our hearts with warmth and love. And in essence there is nothing wrong with seeing God in all good things, because all good things do come from Him. In fact, it's probably quite accurate to thank God about the smallest seemingly minute details. There is great strength in seeing God's hand in every corner of our lives. Knowing that He is close and that He is personal. Personal enough to know about our silly wants. 

But my concern is, what if we interpret that as being God's way of showing love. His only way. And what of the people who are in poverty or isolation or in chains? Does He not show them love? Does he care less for people who live in an unjust, unexplainable, brutal reality? Do they not also deserve comfort and answers to little desire prayers? 

So often I've found that people in real tough situations have more faith and genuinely believe that they really are blessed, than someone like me who very quickly feels abandoned or forgotten by God. Maybe they understand the true depth of what it means to be blessed. To know that God is close, even in the midst of uncertainty. To trust that this will not last forever into Eternity and that God will come through in His time. To believe that no matter the external hardship, it is irrelevant in reference to whether that means God actually cares. I wonder if people like that live more freely, because they are not as trapped by the magnet of possessions. Are we still blessed when we feel lonely? Are we still blessed when we feel forgotten? Are we still blessed when He feels so far away? Can we still say we are blessed when we feel like God never answers our prayers? 

That must be the tension of living in a temporary difficult world, but living for an eternal, all knowing, completely loving, Holy God. 

He knows.

He understands.

I don't. 

So I expect answers. 

And what does He expect from me? Well... That's probably a more resolving question that I find is easier to ignore. 

Still, when I look at the state of the world, I cannot help but feel confused. 

It's just not fair that there are people who barely have their needs met and others who are ruled by the accessories in life.

But God!

But, God?

“My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the LORD grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.”

(Proverbs 2:2-8 NLT)

Two Millimetres

• ---

• "We must picture hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives with the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance, and resentment." (C. S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters)

Spit it out, don't swallow it whole. 

If you ingest the jealousy, your world will crumble all the more. So you're rubbing and scrubbing, "I want none of this, get it off me!" You plead. You cry. You beg. We have struggled with comparison, we have suffered through defeat, we have fought off all the prejudice, we have waddled in this sad melody. Jealousy. Ugh jealousy. God, heal me from this disease. But you know no other way, you have long lived inside this vault. Jealousy started so insignificant. That time your friend was more popular. Ever since those guys called you all those nasty words. And don't forget the rumours that weren't even liable. But suddenly you began to obsess about the thoughts of other folks. And you wondered and you wrestled and you forgot how not to care. Your life became a judgement board, as you looked down at yourself. The worst critic of all was hiding behind your nose. When people told you you were beautiful, and when they laughed at all your jokes. "Oh they're just saying that, trying to be polite, that was pity laughter, they don't even know me, so..." You lived inside the lies and rejected any truth. What was once external became engrained in your pursuit. To be liked, to be first, to be right, to be heard. You'd look inside a mirror and hate what was staring back, without any remorse. Anger boiled inside as you ripped and clawed at the person inside the wall. Hatred stirred deep in your heart. Words that followed gripped your throat, "You are ugly. Look at your thighs. Nobody wants to see you anymore." Everywhere you went, you felt so very scorned.

That is how a vicious cycle is born. 

Can you relate to this at all? Are you plagued more than you endorse? There are days where you are bigger than the destructive thoughts that impair your worth. But there are, honestly, more days that you are not stronger than the words. And even though you've read that you were created with a purpose and even though you know that you are loved so everlastingly, it doesn't seem to change the past thoughts you still sometimes believe. You may have hoped that after high school the world would be different somehow. That you'd suddenly be an adult and everything around you would magically change. But the people who left high school are the same people in the real world. And you may not be in classrooms, but Instagram sure isn't a healthy home. Suddenly now, in private, you can brood in darkness about all the people with better lives, with more likes and more followers. And now you hate your body even more than before. 

But the truth is, we're all living on the grounds of comparison. And so we're controlling all the interaction that we encounter everyday. We don't have time to give to others, not like they did once upon, long ago. We're too "busy" working hard. We're too caught up in ourselves to stop in the middle of our tracks. We are more focused on what might be ahead, than on who is around right now. And many of us don't know how to be a true friend anymore. It seems I don't have an evening free to commune over dinner. Not even a little tête-à-tête. But if you want to sit in silence and scan through social media land, well go ahead and be my guest, we've all given hours to that!   

Everyday I wish I could throw my phone against the wall, go live in a small town, and quietly discuss everyone's family history. But there is always a better reason that talks me out of that pointless idea.

Jesus is really the only one who can fill up the empty spaces. The emptiness of insecurity and ugly jealousy. God, take us back to the basics of simple interaction. Caring about real cares, casting our pain onto Your chest. Even forgetting to look in a mirror without feeling any regret. Because we understand that life is bigger than our skin that wraps around our bones and guts and keeps us superficially intact. Our looks are just a way of identifying the real person found within. And to enjoy simple pleasures that God allowed us to experience. The taste of good food, the smell of morning air, the touch of loves embrace. Our skin, all two millimetres of our external identity, is hardly anything in comparison to the wonder God has placed inside our hearts. Let's live beyond the 2 mm thick, lets dig beneath what can be gathered in a single pinch. Let's live from deep within. The part that expresses the best of our best selves. The place inside, that was made in the image of our loving Maker. Our body? A home of rest, where our Messiah longs to dwell. Though I will never fully comprehend how Jesus walked in a body like ours, with skin and with bones and with teeth and with scars. But I'm so thankful that He made a way for us to live inside our humanity, and showed us how not to be controlled by the pull of our weightless skin.