Have you felt the wind today?

It's like I've been chasing the wind for so long,

that its brought me to a place, but suddenly gone very still

Now I'm just waiting, hoping for a mere hint of a breeze, to remind me of why I'm here.

I used to long to live in obedience to the One I follow

It felt so clear in a way. 

There was a vision, a dream 

Sometimes the wind is wild, so dramatic. Begging for attention.

To deny it exists would be plain ignorance, particularly in the midst of a storm. When its strength pulls trees from their roots and crushes branches into dust. We know that it is real.


Other times it's ever so still, so quiet. As if resting in the warmth of the sunshine or eavesdropping on all the people passing by. In this instance, it's almost like the wind has vanished. But do we deny its presence when it can't be obviously felt? Do we forget what the sound of the breeze through the leaves sounds like? Do we begin to doubt whether we've ever really felt annoyance from the way it tangled our hair into a nest?

 

So it is with the Almighty One. Our God, who ever so beautifully loves us and in my attempt at a hopeful interpretation, feels as if we're at a stage in our relationship that allows us to be in complete silence but still enjoy the company: knowing we're together. Does He really need to prove Himself every time I don't hear from Him. Is it not enough to simply know that He is here?

If you haven't obviously heard something from God in a while, but you're longing for some guidance, maybe try to see it as though He believes that we know Him better by now than to worry about whether He's abandoned "me". Can we try and rest in that knowledge? I honestly do know one place we can always go to find Him or hear from Him. If only I'd bother to make more of an effort. Relationships go both ways, why do we expect any different when it comes to God? Why aren't we more captivated by the stillness?




Truth is

I'm not captivated

I'm tired

I feel like I'm stuck, with no where to turn that feels right,

and the doors are closed to the ways I would choose if I could.

But if I meet you at a cafe, at church, or anywhere else public and social, I'll be sure to smile and tell you, "I'm fine." "I know it's only a season, it won't be like this forever". and I'm sure you will tell me, "you know God is in control, He loves you, He wouldn't have brought you this far, to leave you now." 

something along those lines, right?

Think about how good you are at diverting conversations off of you, pretending you're fine, or telling people exactly the things you know you need to believe for yourself, but really you can't.

So what makes you think that the people you encounter everyday are any different to you? 

Maybe what people tell us, in a weak attempt at seeming strong, isn't always the truth

Not many have the patience or time, to stop and wait, or to draw out more. Because if you wait long enough, you will see the truth. If you ask enough questions, you will hear a glimmer of the truth. 

But people are very quick to give cliches and helpful answers that sound great to those that are doing fine, but in reality are of no help to the people they're intended for. 

Have you ever felt like you got on a roller coaster too soon. Without any aid, you're not strapped in, sitting alone, you want to get off, but no one can hear you and all they are telling you is that it's going to be so fun. But no one has come to sit next to you or help you off if they can see you're not ready. 

That's what a cliche answer feels like.

Our stories are not the same, so they can't be compared

But I'd like to hear your story, because I like stories.

I honestly do believe that this isn't forever, I don't know how, but I know that deep down.

In moments like these, all we want is a friend. 

someone to laugh with

someone who will draw us out of our "self"

someone who will simply hang out with us

bring the best out 

enjoy the same things

make us feel like we are interesting

ask questions 

listen and wait - because everyone knows how hard it is to express our true self... and after all of that, after you have sat, loved, stayed and waited... THEN you can tell me how amazing you know Jesus is and remind me how much I love Him. Because I always do still love Him. That never changes. 

And out of everyone, He definitely understands the most. 

He asks all the right questions - the deep thinker ones

He definitely wins at the waiting game

Be a friend to others, like Jesus would be #newyearsresolution? #waystoendtheyearwell?


If we are made to be in relationship, why don't we try and make more of an effort to excel in what we are made for. 

In the end it's always about the people, the individual. 

Even though I write this, I honestly find it so hard to live out.

And yes your husband should be your best friend but he can't be your girlfriend. You'll need both, separately

my home, my chosen family

My Husband is my home.

So much rest found in those words.

I know that no matter what, home is never far away

I can always find comfort there where he is

We do things quite differently to each other

He takes his time and thinks things through quietly

He responds calmly and always considerately

He chooses love, over anything else

I have never experienced selfishness from him

He is truly, the greatest at this whole love thing

On our wedding day, after we'd said the "I do's" 

The most prevailing feeling I carried was, I feel safe and I feel at home

It was a deep sense of love, a kind I'd never felt before

It was calm and quiet 

Like waking up to an earth covered in snow, 

bright but ever so still

complete silence

The peaceful kind, not the eerie kind. 

There was no chaos

not confusion

no fear or doubt

only complete, simple, profound trust

It was freeing.

On the morning of, I woke insanely early, 

Way before the alarm clock even though I only slept a mere few hours

It was raining outside, no it was pouring outside

Regardless of unanswered prayers for clear skies, I felt joy and excitement.

Everything was funny to me that morning

I woke my sister up with a delightful song about how it was raining and I was getting married, while I was painting my own nails in bed. 

it was a slow morning for the first two hours and suddenly it became a whirlwind of hair, make-up, flowers, people, my dress is wrinkled, iron the dress, photographs, quickly get in the car, don't get the dress dirty in the rain, don't be late don't be late don't be late.

Sure enough we were late.

My dress was wrinkled again the moment I sat in the car

It rained basically the WHOLE day 

And even though it was insanely hot two days before, on OUR day it was really cold. Actually the cold helped my shoes fit better since I hadn't worn them in yet and it made sure we weren't too sweaty since that happens, even to the best of us, when we're nervous. Right?

Sure enough, just as everyone predicted, the day went by so quickly

I didn't notice the little details and I didn't care

I didn't even get to try all the dessert. Desert? No definitely dessert. 

In fact, I could barely move with fear of my sleeves falling off my shoulders

There was laughter, there were tears, no ugly crying thankfully. We still get people telling us how good the speeches were and how beautiful my dress was.

It was a day full of love and appreciation

Somehow underneath the fairy-lights and amidst the hum of conversation, there were small moments where I felt completely alone and a little sad. I'm not so good at small talk especially in a loud and crowded place and for some reason when you're a bride people aren't sure what to say to you except marriage and weddingy things and that can only go so far when there's a whole lot of people wanting to speak to you but aren't quite sure what to say. 

My main desire for our wedding day was for people to like the food, not get bored but enjoy being there and to experience a side of Jason and I that isn't generally so prevalent. 

Weddings do that. 

They bring out the best in a couple through the love that is felt, to seeing the families they grew up in and from hearing the speeches people give about them. 

Make-up helps too.

The sadness was simply because I knew that because our wedding day had finally come, so was the day approaching when my family and friends would have to leave again. When you have the most special niece in the world like I do, going even a day without seeing her face or hearing her voice is hard. Imagine a year, or more. 

In a way, weddings are no different to regular life as a whole, except for all the extra big smiles and dressed up people. There are moments of all sorts but the overall feeling you go away with is, "I am so thankful to have found this love". A love so deep and so wide, you can get lost in it and forget to appreciate everyday together because its so consistently in your face. 

But everyday I am thankful even though it's not always seen.

I have found the greatest man in the world who for some reason chose to love me.

Suddenly we became our own little family (that'll grow one day I'm sure). 

It really makes everything and anything else that happens more bearable and brings such greater meaning to life.

Family does that.

Love does that.

Family is love, real life messy love.

People always say, your husband or wife is the only family you get to choose.

Take that advice seriously! It's not about finding "the one" it's about finding someONE who you'll love and who will love you on your ugliest, worst days as if it's your most beautiful. It's about a love that continues to grow fuller and stronger. Each moment may not be beautiful or picturesque but they will build your life and create memories that you can look back and learn from. 

Slowly become the family you want for your children and for each other. 

Your family can create a better future for others.

When you get married you become a family in every sense of the word.

Let's make the future of FAMILY, brighter.

                                   

 i LOVE you

constant state of embrace

Is there a place where we can go,

so we can talk

and when we get there,

will we talk or will we stare

Is there a place without boundaries, without borders

where we are free to express, with no fear of repress 

where questions are welcomed

but doubt is irrelevant,

and truth is told, without hold

Does this place belong to someone

Is it someone that we know

Is it held or is it loose

does it travel, does it move

or do we need to go to where it will choose

Is this place a being, void of reclusion

full of acceptance

found in a constant state of embrace

encompassing all that is true,

within

but how will we know?

"moo"

I once asked someone whose wisdom and opinion I highly regard, to have a look at my blog and give me some honest critique and feedback. I’ve had the faithful few tell me that they love my writing and like every entry I put up, which I so appreciate. I keep telling my husband that his telling me he likes my writing is like my mother telling me she thinks I’m beautiful - because she has to, she’s my mother!  Basically it’s moo; in Joey terms – “like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter...it’s moo!” Of course I don't really mean that his opinion doesn't matter because, truthfully, his opinion is the one I care for the most. My husband's, not Joey's. Seriously though, I'm joking.

But this person whose wisdom and opinion I, still, highly regard came back to me rather disappointed, at least that was my interpretation. In a nutshell I was told that they felt I should be more honest, about myself, share the real me. I mistook this advice and left with a sour taste, feeling as though what I had written thus far was not honest or real, that my voice in writing was mute. So, whose voice was I expressing? I felt like I didn’t know myself and I felt like the one thing I thought I was developing into was failing. Allowing people to read your thoughts, is extremely nerve wrecking. It almost feels like heart surgery, but the emotional kind. Needless to say, this well-meaning advice left me feeling choked and I was unable to write anything remotely honest or real for a long while after. You think you want to hear honest critique, but really you want people to tell you how amazing you're doing and get showered with praise, encouraging you to keep on going just the way you already are. 

Slowly I started to live a little bit more indifferent and then I became a little bit more sad, somewhat consistently.

Indifference is an unnerving thief of our lives.

As a young girl, I had developed this idea that I would one day write a story about my life. I remember sitting in my Dutch grandparents living room one summer, with a pen and paper in hand, thinking of how to start my masterpiece. The reason for this idea was that I had an innate belief that my life, which I had yet to live, would be worth writing about; a story people would want to hear. Yet, as of now, at 29 years of age, much of my life has become an abyss of indifference and time lost. Fear had engulfed the girl who once believed her life was worth telling.  The thing is, though I was loved, I cannot recall being purposefully told that I could do or be anything I put my mind to. I did not live with a sense of acceptance in my uniqueness; I was ashamed of it. I felt like I had failed in life already, no matter what I might try and accomplish. I already felt like a failure. However, I was unaware that this was the case. These are things you only realize when you reflect back many years later, and begin to compare your life to the lives and experiences of others. When you don’t know any different, you don’t know what else to expect.

A couple years later, as I read over this critique from the person whose advice and wisdom I highly regard, I suddenly read it in a new light. The tone in the response was not negative at all, but quite the opposite. All this time, they were trying to encourage me to keep on going but to try and open up even more so. Because deep down people want to feel like they can relate to another’s honesty, that they’re not alone with their thoughts. This person wanted more people to see the value that they had seen inside me. They worded it as “specialness”.

Though I cannot change the turns I’ve already taken, I can begin to look around more before I cross or choose not to cross the street. I want to live a life that will give me stories to tell my grandchildren one day, stories they'll beg to hear over and over again. I hope that my life will encourage them to risk and love a lot in life. That means I need to get moving, even if it’s slow.

I just don’t want to stand still anymore. 

Let's all try and live a little bit more raw...

I hope that was more honest. 

the One who loves most

Freely Be.

I am allowed to be me; in fact I need to be.

The people we often want to be most like are the ones who are completely comfortable in being true to their own.
They own their own.
They take ownership of their truest ‘self’ and thrive when others do the same.

The ones we don’t want to be like, are those who are telling people who or how to be, judging lifestyles and setting up rules to abide by. Those who are not accepting but exclusive.

As Jesus was true to Himself, He was simultaneously being true to God. We can learn so much from His life on earth. What truly matters, how to treat and love people, taking risks and not always following the crowd or conforming to the mold. His life sparked what was within everyone around him, and still does. Anyone who has encountered Jesus can, at the least, agree that something lights up inside you and makes you feel more present and at peace than ever before.

Like many things, these feelings often fade, but He will never blow out the light inside you. His desire is always to see you grow the spark into a constant fire bringing light, warmth and direction to those around you.

Jesus was the perfect example of how to freely be. He said the most confronting things, but people loved Him. Those who heard Him couldn’t get enough, even those who were trying to eliminate Jesus. Whether they agreed with Him or not, people wanted to hear what He had to say. Regardless, He was making an influence everywhere He went.

I wonder how the life of Jesus could help and change our lives? What do we think about Jesus, what could we learn from Him simply by looking at His life and relationships? 

walls

I think loneliness is probably one of the greatest fates of our time. The more "friends or followers" we have, the less actual company we might keep. When did it become so hard to make friends. When did it become such a challenge to simply be a friend. When did people stop being interested in people. All people. When did we stop asking questions? When did we stop digging for truth, for the gold? Everyone has a story, but not everyone is a born storyteller. It's time to make it our mission, my mission, to want to draw out the stories again. To hear the why behind the face. The depth in the eyes. The history in the smile. There's dire need to ask questions. Sometimes a genuine question is the only road towards connecting to another's heart. Sometimes a question is the only way for someone to know you care. It takes initiative and strength to ask. It is time to believe in people again, in the people that are physically in front of us. 

Friendship needs time and investemnt on both ends, it needs joy and encouragement, but sometimes it just needs you to shut up and smile. We should never assume that someone who looks as if they have it all together, always does. We have all put up a front, we all do it all the time. And that's ok, not everyone needs to see your aches and concerns all over your face. But what if there is no one to catch you alone, what if there is no one for you to be weak in front of, what if there is no one you can be real with… ?

The sneakiness of loneliness, 

disguised in quantity time with the presence of people on your iscreen,

being fooled into thinking you are part of the lives of those on social media.

Yet at the end of the day, you find yourself alone with your thoughts but no one to share them with.

Didn't receive any texts today?

Didn't send any either?

Haven't had an email in months?

When the comfort of home has become a self made prison.

When walking out the door on your own causes anxiety.

When riding the bus is a daily challenge.

When you put off meeting up with people you are only acquainted with - but secretly want to be closer to.

When you're losing the faith you once stood up for.

This is when the danger seeps in.

If you don't recognise your self anymore,

and you laugh less but cry more,

ask yourself when you started to give up on people.

On yourself?

You are building your own walls, one brick at a time.

If the company of others has become seldom, 

you are at high risk of burying yourself into the cracks,

never to be seen or heard of again.

I knew this girl once.

I know this boy.

She might be me.

He could be you.

Hello, does this resonate with anyone?

I am personally not the kind of girl, who just talks about my day. I don't fit the cliche that we talk more than men. Are you the kind of person, that talks all about your self even when no one asked, or are you the kind of person who when asked a question, doesn't ask a question back? 

I'll say it again, Everyone has a story but not everyone is a born storyteller. I have a story. You have a story. Let me tell you that showing interest yells "I CARE". You show interest by the simple art of asking questions, with your whole self. Your eye contact, your body language, your listening skills, and your voice. And then, you ask another question that follows the last question. That is how you get to know someone. That is how you can show you care. 

wings

Education encourages a child to believe that they are allowed to dream, explore and choose. 

In countries where daughters are not given this simple yet fundamental right, we end up with nations of girls growing up into women that never rise to their potential and men believing they have the right to shut down even just the spark of a dream in a girl. 

wings of a bird, allow a bird to BE

but what comes of a bird that cannot fly?

what is the purpose, if it has no wings?

a bird without wings, will never know its own ability to explore the heights of the sky

a bird without wings cannot stand against the current of the wind, or feel empowered to ride along with it. 

a bird without wings will never go where the other birds have been,

but a bird without wings, is still a bird.

A girl without an education or the permission to dream is still a girl, but she will never know what could have been or where she could have gone. 

In order to flourish, she needs room to grow.

Malala's father Ziauddin Yousafzai from his TED talk: “Dear brothers and sisters,” he ends, “We learn from her how to be resilient in the most difficult times … Despite being an icon for the rights of children and women, she is like any 16- year-old girl … People ask me what is special about my mentorship that has made Malala so bold and courageous, vocal and poised. I tell them, ‘Don’t ask me what I did. Ask me what I did not do. I did not clip her wings, and that’s all.”