Here

Scatter brain

Thoughts here and there

They don't align 

Feel like I'm running out of time.

There's got to be one thing that makes more sense above the rest.

Where is the trust?

Where is my Faith in the unsaid?

Pacing like a tiger in its cage.

A wild river trapped inside a glass jar.

"Just stop,

Rest for a while"

I try, but I'm rushed. 

When we need answers

And we want them now.

How unkind to stress yourself into a craze, there's no need. 

Don't you know, your King is with you!

That's what matters more. 

His Presence follows like a shadow. Wherever He is, there is His peace. 

"I Am here"

Stay in this moment, just be here.

Just be here

Just be here

Please

Being Be

There is no created thing, that has the ability to be anything other than what they were created to be. And they flourish, as they are free. So free, simply by being be. A bird has no longing in the world to be a faster, louder or more colourful bird. A bird wastes no time hopelessly wishing they were a cat or a pretty flower instead. They just flap their wings, they sing their songs, they live their birds-life so free, simply by being be. All things created, have life. Everything God spoke into existence has meaning and purpose. But it is humanity, His most prized possession, those most dear to His heart, who were given the free will to choose a life with or without Him. And we are the only ones who ever wish we didn't have these hands, or didn't have that nose, or didn't belong to this family, or even wished we'd been someone else entirely. We are the only ones who struggle with being be. Our Father, Creator, Saviour and Lord, longs for us to be freer once more. Completely at peace with being me. But only when I know the One who made me like me, who loves me as me and only when I live to know Him better than anyone else, can this become a reality.

That Place Beyond

Over the hill of doubt, through the valley of fear, to that place beyond the comfort zone is where I ought to steer. A dream is still a dream when it's far around the bend, reaching, reaching, still reaching... not yet able to quite grab. Like an optical illusion playing games inside my brain. Turning, twisting, wheeling. Testing the limitations of my dubious dauntlessness. Running around and then back. Give up? No, no, start again. Or maybe go this way. Or perhaps try that. And I make it all about the probable failures of my stubborn, hesitant self-lack. My mind lives at the circus! But my heart? My heart is set on other things. Things from a Divine Kingdom of unbelievable worth and immeasurable depth.

Who is the King of your heart? Who is the ruler of your soul? Whose purpose drives your mind, to make decisions of a certain kind? We cannot have two rulers. We cannot serve two Kings. We cannot be wholeheartedly devoted to Him, but also devoted to them. 

I have a constant nudging. Persistently poking at my sides. Some days I hardly notice, but on others I bleed profusely inside. Gushing through every crevice, wrapping around my lungs, until my breath is taken out. I cannot help but fall to my knees in desperation. Heaving under the weight, almost at my own end. 

I'm suffocated by the unimaginative, purposeless 'comfort trap'. I'm fed up with wanting to live only for myself inside this so-called safety net. How can we be safe, in a place where dreams are left for dead. Far away from any risk, avoiding all battles against a fear of the unsaid. Safely tucked inside a prison, wallowing in aimlessness. 

And yet, I love my kitchen and I love my bed. I love the warmth of comfort. I love the blanket of safe keeps. I love the smell of familiarity. I love the sound of sleep. And I love/hate the walls that separate the outside world from being real. I'll quite foolishlyy ignore the fact that I'm hiding in the doorway to the past. Blindly giving in to its undue governance.

Is that really what you want, for it to say upon your grave? "She safely, never did anything. She died still very afraid." Is that really how you want to be remembered? Is that who you want to be? That girl who feared everything and was swallowed by her own choice to live locked away, for free. 

My darling, don't stay here. Step outside all that you've known. Go just beyond the comfort zone, that's where real living is born. Don't give in to a life of regret. Forget about yourself. His Kingdom is bigger than that. Don't say you belong to the One, but then refuse to follow along. This life is not about you. It's not even about me. It's about all of us finding refuge under His shade, like a great big willow tree. Completely awed by His speechless wonder. In reverence of His heavenly faithfulness. Becoming one of the branches, like part of the furniture others don't even see. We're all just playing a very small role on a very very big stage. So don't become a bystander, merely alive to play it safe. The King is beckoning for us. Do you hear the enchanting whispers in the breeze? We are forever welcome into His Holy presence and steadfast love filled adventure. I Am, where we find all the peace we'll ever need to live truly released. 

"Captain"

(Hillsong United)

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark

I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark

And if from the course You intend

I depart

Speak to the sails of my wandering heart

Like the wind

You'll guide

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars

Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog

Your truth is the compass that points me back north

Jesus

My Captain

My soul's trusted Lord

All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

Like the wind

You'll guide

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars

Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

Like the wind

You'll guide

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea

Like the stars

Your Word

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

Jesus

My Captain

My soul's trusted Lord

All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

Distracted Hearts

In my heart of hearts, I know how much I need God. Unequivocally need. Not just want. 

Need.

But somehow I manage to live most of my days, unaware of His presence or voice. I seem to get by "ok" without acknowledging Him everywhere, everyday. I wake up, I scroll through social media, I eat breakfast, I drink coffee, I momentarily think "I should really read my Bible first", but then I see the time and I rush to get ready. I get to work, I do what I do. Somewhere in the day I try and read (more like skim through) my Bible again. When work is done I'll often go to the gym, come home exhausted, shower, prepare and eat dinner, crash on the couch, watch something or other on TV and then drag myself to bed. The day is done. Without stopping to ponder, meditate or even pray. And then I think to myself, where is God? Why is He absent in my life? I never hear from Him. I don't feel close to Him. I feel distant. Why is He allowing me to stay in this season?

But the next day still isn't much different to the last. Does this sound familiar at all??

Everyday you feel more and more disconnected and less and less like yourself. But I know that we all need God for a thousand times endless reasons. And I know I need God if I want to accept who I am, love how He made me and feel completely at ease in myself. That way I can begin to forget about little ol' me. Gosh, what a relief that would be! 

But without Him, my life consists of selfish days, selfish hours, selfish minutes, just getting by, feeling confused and unfulfilled. Time just passes. Sometimes carrying pain, bitterness, regret and anger more than is necessary if I but offered my heart daily into His hands. 

I don't want to live a life only for myself, a life of just getting by. Forgetting to focus on what's real, what's important, what makes life worth living.

God, help me to learn to live on purpose.

Love stronger

Forgive easier

Listen longer

Trust harder 

See clearer

Hear better

Stand taller 

Speak more confidently 

Believe undoubtedly.

Teach us to live even more aware of our deep need for You. Show us how to dwell within the expanse of your Constant Love that is always giving life and more life. Compelling us to chase after Your Beauty with passion, craze and vitality. Never giving up. Just as You never give up. Please, God, don't ever stop chasing our distracted hearts. 

“Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set the world right; Do what’s best— as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves... You’re in charge! You can do anything you want! You’re ablaze in beauty...”

(Matthew 6: 9-13 MSG)

My Dadi

My dadi was a hero. She was brave, strong, resilient and kind. She had the most beautiful smile that spoke of her endurance in life. She had the softest most intricate hands, that revealed all the hardship she had dug through to survive. She had the most loving eyes, that told of deep pain she had carried a long while.

Though our words between were few, as language tried to draw a line. But love could not be held or mute. Love made a bridge, that freedom paved. And we knew she had lived her life for us. She saw a future better than her past. She broke down boundaries and exceeded all expectation of a circumstantial solo mum, in a poverty stricken life, for many years to come. She sacrificed and took risks in a land ruled by men. Against all odds, she sent her son to school, even though she would never learn to read or write. If it had not been for her great life, I would not even breathe here today. Oh how I wish to have had another chance, to give my dadi one last hug, hold her hand and say all the things you wish you could say to someone you admire so deeply and will always love. My dadi is proof, that God can use a little life to do something of immeasurable magnitude.

There are people in our past, who have sacrificed their own, for a future beyond themselves. Our lives are building a family tree. Hold onto those roots, don't live life as a self-sufficient branch. 

Judge Jury

As human beings, there is something engrained in us that wants to have rules and guidelines to follow, as well as a strong will to break them. There is a part of me that is learning to let go of preconceived ideas of what is right or wrong. I'm beginning to think that we've got a lot of things mistaken as being prerequisites when really they may just be a minor hunch in our ideal framework. We like to have a reason to point the finger about something that doesn't seem normal or how it's meant to be. We like to have boundaries that help us work out how things are supposed to be. We hate being in that position of not knowing what to do or think or believe. If someone would just tell us and make it black and white, it'd be so much more simple. Apparently. But that's not actually true. We really do want the free will to choose.

On one hand, we are continuously trying to convince ourselves and others that our physical bodies are just that, a body. Flesh. Just a casing for our soul, our spirit. That we should focus on what is internal and not put such emphasis and worry into our physical image. We try and teach young girls that they are all unique and beautiful in their own way, because of who they are on the inside. That it's more important to be thoughtful and caring and use our brains, than it is to put such torturous hours into our looks. Our outward appearance. Comparing ourselves to other girls who we believe are more beautiful, skinnier, have longer legs, thicker hair and clearer skin. We try and help young boys understand that their worth doesn't lie in whether they are sporty, tall, muscular, charismatic born leaders. We believe they need to know that it's ok to show emotion and that physical strength doesn't define a man. 

And yet, when it comes to people who we believe are confused, suddenly the outward appearance, how they dress and carry themselves is worth going to war for. 

I'm left confused and my heart is stirred. Are we missing the point? Would Jesus not be more concerned about whether we love people and are caring for the poor and those in need? Are we worshipping Him and not putting our own selfish desires as idols before Him? Are we allowing people to see His heart towards them, through our eyes and our countenance. Giving others the grace to be true to themselves in their own way, just as we want others to give us the freedom to be real in our own way. 

Are we overly concerned about issues, that in the scheme of Eternity, will be minute? Are we so caught up about insignificant debates that it precedes our loving and forgiving people as Jesus has done for us? Are we forgetting that this world and our lives on earth are fleeting in the wind. Here today, gone tomorrow. 

Are we judging and regulating, instead of loving and understanding? Are we trying to make sense of things that are outside of our realm of knowledge or control. Shouldn't we just let God be God, and leave behind judgement for Faith in His Sovereinty, Goodness and Justice?

Identity Theft

Do you have that thing that overtakes who you are? Like it completely hijacks your thoughts and convictions. It's often referred to as an addiction, obsession or idol. I like to think of it as an Identity Theft. It can be something you think you need, to something that totally controls your very being. For me, at times, it's window shopping gone horribly wrong. But it always starts so harmlessly calm. A mere passer by, thoughts elsewhere. And suddenly...

SALE!!! 

Are clothes and shoes my obsession?

Sometimes.

I confess that I find great comfort in buying new boots.

I live for the rush of getting a pair of new jeans.

And if it's not clothes, it's products. I'm incessantly searching for a new natural organic skincare brand I haven't tried yet. 

(That one's not so bad!)

Does she have a problem, one may ask.

It's hard to admit to such an embarrassing concern. On the other hand, it's something that can remain somewhat untrue as long as it's unspoken. Right?? I wish I could keep it like that. Because then I can continue forming excuses and rationalising my need for this and this oh and this. 

Wait, what? Are you saying you don't enjoy new things? Oh! but you don't need them? 

When it starts to overtake your time, your thoughts and dominates in importance beyond all else. When it affects your emotions and begins to somehow define your true self...

My God, could this be an invasion? Yes an invasion of privacy. Mind your own business. 

Ok, but for real?

Sometimes, shopping is my Identity Theft. 

What's yours?

I am, of course, exaggerating. A little. Maybe. Not at all. Ugh. 

                                 (Continued below)

But all jokes aside, it actually is and can be a real struggle. And I think this is a true story for more people out there than we realise. The thing that bothers me most is how much

consumerism is a serious, but somewhat acceptable, problem in our society and how easily advertising works (on me at least). 

It's like you give up on everything you chose to stand for and believe in, the minute it comes up against your personal wants. It's naked selfishness and vanity camouflaged in pretty dresses and high-heels. 

But at the end of a long day, no matter the theft, the underlying question is the same in all cases:

In what or in whom does my identity lie and to what extent am I willing to sacrifice myselfish, in order to uplift those who really matter towards the One who matters most?

I've heard it said, that the more you say no, the easier it gets.

Im definitely not instigating that shopping is wrong. All I'm suggesting is, if it (or whatever your thing is) has become more important than other real important things, then maybe just check yourself. It could be an indicator of how your heart is doing. 

Or, maybe it's just me. 

“God be merciful and gracious to us and bless us and cause His face to shine upon us and among us–Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!– That Your way may be known upon earth, Your saving power (Your deliverances and Your salvation) among all nations. Let the peoples praise You [turn away from their idols] and give thanks to You, O God; let all the peoples praise and give thanks to You.”

Psalm 67:1-3 (AMP)