Stretched

When you're 37 weeks pregnant in the Sydney summer heat, and you feel like a waddling sack of potatoes with elephant thighs and a gorilla neck, and you're starting to worry that you may never go back to your slim figure and you may never fit any of your jeans anymore. And the reality that you're going to have to go through labour, having no idea what to expect and there's no way out, is starting to sink into your chest. But you feel terribly guilty for feeling these things when there's a wonderful new life growing inside of you. You want to be brave and strong and positive for their sake. You'd never dream of your babies having these thoughts towards themselves. You'll strive the rest of your life trying to raise them to be confident and love the body they've been given.

But you're also a woman, whose identity, for a big part of your life, has been held up -wrongfully- inside your looks. And now, all that you thought you were has been enlarged and morphed and you don't look like yourself anymore. And not only that, but you are no longer your own. Everything about you from here on out, is going to be about the little human you carried into this world. And if you're like me, you don't have another job you're going back to. This is it; for now. You thought you wanted this, and you do. But you're still scared. You still feel insecure. And you still feel out of place in your stretched out new role.

This is the truth in how I feel. I don't always know how to be positive and confident about my new body. Sometimes I want to hide from places where people know me. Every time I encounter others they tell me how I still look great and only have a bump, the rest of me is still the same. And I just want to kindly grab them by the ears and introduce them to my hips n' thighs that kicked out my pants. It doesn't make me feel better about myself. It makes me feel even more pressured to be physically superficially beautiful. And it subtly disregards my very real insecurities and fears. 

I wonder if most mummy's to be feel this way at some point in their pregnancy journey? Or have I just completely got it all

wrong? How dare I be so selfish in making the entrance of this new life dampen my self-confidence because of my own bodily imperceptions. I realise that I have a long way to go. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I was finally growing into my true self, confidently. It turns out, that I've slowly stepped backwards. But the hurdles we face in life are never set up in a perfectly neat row. The right way isn't always straightforward. Honesty is of greater worth than holding up a good image. Honesty allows for sincere change and lasting growth. It might take longer to get anywhere, but the security in certainty is deeper than before. 

The next time you want to encourage a pregnant woman, don't only comment on how she looks, because she doesn't need to be reminded of her physicality. She's faced with it every morning when she gets dressed, every time she looks in a mirror, and every time she rolls over in bed. Instead, ask her how she deeply feels, her world is about to change and she may be vulnerable. She needs to know that there are still people out there who see her, really see her, on the inside. As she is about to step into the most valuable position anyone could ever hold, she needs to know that she's not just going to disappear all alone in her home. 

You and I

Sometimes I can forget that we are lovers. I forget that we're bestfriends. That we actually really really really like each other. That there is no one else I'd rather spend all my time with. Sometimes I forget that we're a team, that we are one, that we're a family. 

And I take for granted your love, your endless kindness, your precision in my wellbeing, your profound patience with my list of annoyances. I take for granted the goodness of your heart. I take for granted that I am loved. Loved to the ultimate extent of human capability. In our story, you are selfless. 

And I can't compete. 

But I don't need to, because we are together in life, we are us. 

Still. I fail you all the time, but you'd never say. I disappoint you everyday, but you'd never tell me. I can complain about anything and everything, but you never do. I can be my worst-ugliest-most hurtful self and you gaze at me longingly with respect and devotion. 

I am not even close to loving you like you've loved me. But I am forever committed to our story, as long as we are dwellers on this earth.

We are together in life, you and I. 

Thank you for making us better ❤️

Eternal Soul

The pursuit of outward beauty is a trap and a drug and it's strong and breakable and it lives deeply on the surface inside our doubting self-reflections, as it is lost and found in the eyes of all the people that we meet. Constantly begging, 

"Look at me!"

"Approve of me!" 

"Like me!"

We search in others what we long to see in ourselves. And we fall prey to the chains that entangle our twisted mind games. The more I slave to the desires of the flesh, the less I laugh or love or encourage or engage. And when I'm comfortable laying in the dirt of my destructive neglect, I detest all meaning in life and forget the great thrill of pure joy found within our King's Enchanting Grace. 

Life is full of circles that we ride. We come out one end, thinking it's past, only to go around once more. Stuck inside this minefield that tells us, 

"As long as you're skinny, you're ok." 

"You're not so pretty today, best stay inside and play."

But we're always hungry if we stay behind perfection's lies. There's only one way off and it's up. Break your nails if you have to, scratch your face up, dirty your knees, do whatever it takes to kick away from defeat. Search the skies, unlock your soul, bleed out until you can't anymore.

Let Love remind you of the purpose in a day, in this life. 

Inside the skeleton of your heart there is a seed that is at home, but longs to grow. It is yours and it is you, real, true beautiful you. 

Squint past the darkened shades of beauty in body and face, dig deep for the authenticity hidden beneath our skin, behind our obnoxious scrutinisation. We all have seeds that the world needs to know. So please know, and know well. Invest time and attention. Encourage and feed. Voice! Grow!

Within each seed is life and the signature of the One who is the planter of all the world's wondrous eternal souls. 

My Constant Mood

                       Consistency

It's safe and protective. It's dependable and strong. It takes discipline and it's not always easy. At times it's predictable, but I'd rather that than what I've known. Sir Trustworthy is definitely more desirable than Mr. Unreliable. It's calming and it's releasing. In its midst is sheer freedom and unfading truth. I know it has many challenges and frustrations, making wise choices for the betterment of me and you. This is real love, it's what everyone is searching for. This steady sacrifice. How do you hold it so organic and pure? Loyalty is your unrivalled pursuit. Your arms are my safe space. There'll never be a reason to live life without your face. Our hearts are chained through and through. Sometimes I reminisce about the early days, when everything was so shiny and new. Every touch electric, every look fully amused. But I love that we are us, I love who we're becoming. Most of all, I love that no matter what, wherever we go, we are going. You are my greatest earthly epitome of love. My constant mood.

Perfect love?

Sometimes I wonder if God is present everywhere, when you look at the state of the world it's hard to believe. 

Is He with the five your old girl that was kidnapped off the streets, ganged raped for days and then strangled to death? 

Is He with the child who lost their family at sea?

Is He with the daughter sold by her own daddy? 

Is He with with the little ones struggling in sickness, fighting for a chance?

Is He with the hungry toddler who hasn't eaten for days?

Is He with the orphaned baby, left outside alone? 

Is He with the little boy who isn't safe at home? 

"Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.

 Little ones to Him belong. 

They are weak but He is strong."

We used to sing this so diligently, it rings in my ear like a haunted melody of a more innocent time. When it was brainless to believe that He is strong when we are weak. That He loves. That we belong. But everything about the world shrieks that He's gone. There's too much horror, there's too much pain. It's just too much now. No one is safe. 

I can understand why people give up on God. I can understand why the love of Jesus can seem comical. I understand that we could easily go down this track. But I believe there is a huge gap that we can't see. We can't see what He sees. He sees hearts and He hears minds. He's been through every historical rhyme. He's beyond time. His heart is broken, He never sleeps. His ways are higher than mine. This doesn't always make everything ok right now, but it makes everything ok in the end. 

But it's hard to understand why the darkness roams our world so freely. Snatching lives, gloating in terror, thriving on the fear it creates.

Stealing 

Killing 

Destroying

The tactics haven't changed, we just live in a smaller world now, a world that is allowed to see so much more than any world before. An unfair world of addiction and of torture. An unfair world of gluttony and starvation. An unfair world of free access to education but no drive to learn and children who are in danger for going to school. An unfair world of shiny malls and barefoot beggars patrolling the streets. An unfair world of social media bullies and desperate people praying for peace. An unfair world of online pornography and captured girls sold ruthlessly. An unfair world full of lives taken for granted and others who are just thankful to breathe through another day.

If we give in, we let them win. 

Even darkness is as light to Him. He is there in the midst where we aren't. It's hard to believe, but we must go on. We need to be stronger, we need to live larger. We need to let love do its thing. Perfect love, casts out all fear? We tend to fear what we shouldn't, that's how we give power to darkness, which then controls our minds. 

At the end of the day, if God is truly God, who are we to ask of His whereabouts; or ask anything at all? But we're impatient like that, we have limited understanding of His Sovereignty and take for granted His endlessly persistant grace. We forget who God is, we forget what He's done, we forget what He's really like, we forget that He is love. We forget that He is the one to reverentially fear. We think we can judge Him, doubt Him, walk away from Him, slander Him, hate Him. We think we can ignore Him, we think we can say or do anything when things don't go our understood way. We forget that He is God. We forget that we are not. We forget that we are nobody. Nobody at all. 

It's His perfect love that casts out all fear. We need to learn how to love, love like He's abundantly shared. May love seize all the choices that we make. And if we don't believe that love is strong enough, we simply don't know who love is at all. 

“We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.”

1 John 4:19 MSG

People Like Us

The more you want people to like you or be your friend, the harder it gets. Everything becomes personal. And your desperation for connection and acceptance gets plastered across your face and hinges into every conversation; just leaning in - hoping not to be too obvious, but longing to be noticed. 

The thing is, people don't know how awesome people like us are. We're not loud and chatty upfront. We are reserved and take our time observing you, before we decide if it's a safe zone. Safe as in, wanted and patient and open to listen and really see. Or is it a temporary friendly zone, with a lot of distance in between, not genuinely welcoming but, you know - polite. I guess you can say, does this person think their life is already too full without you? Do they not really see past your first door? Are you not cool enough to be invited? Are they too lazy or too busy to stay a while and probe? Are they interested or are they the over-lookers? Over-lookers; those who are drawn to the louder, chattier ones. The obviously secure, independent, confident, don't need anybody ones. The so called "born leaders" in the worldly sense. People like that don't always see people like us. But people like us, we're the real deal. We really see you because we take the time, we observe. We can be loud, we can be chatty, we're often funnier than most people will ever know, we're independent, we might even be more secure. But we're overlooked. We are overlooked because we aren't afraid to show weakness, we don't necessarily feel the need to keep it all together, we are strong enough to wait for people to see past the outer layer. The world might tell us that we need to be different, that we're not the popular kind, or charismatic, that we're boring to be around. Some of us are introverts, some of us are equal parts introvert/extrovert. Our whole lives, we will battle with feeling like we're unwanted and unliked. But we are the strong ones. We aren't afraid to show fear. We are the real deal. We are awesome.

Around extroverts, I'm an introvert. Around introverts, I'm an extrovert. I'm inconsistent to any particular kind. I'm not one way and not the other way. I'm both. Like a chameleon. I'm definitely still insecure, because I know how much another person can affect my presence. But I'm really good at making someone else feel grounded, feel like they belong, feel welcome. I light up around people that need me,  around quiet and shy people, around sad people, around people that feel like an outsider. I shut down around people that talk a lot, or interrupt a lot, or never seem to not know something, or never ask questions, or always make me feel rushed. The thing is, we're all insecure - on both sides of the spectrum. Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert or an introvert and an extrovert, we all have to deal with insecurities and things we don't like about ourselves.

Strength doesn't look like this - I'm never not ok, I'm always put together, I always know what to say, I have no reason to laugh at myself because I never make mistakes, I'm too busy to talk.

Weakness doesn't look like this - I cry when I'm put on the spot, I speak softly, I'm shy, I'm quiet, I never know what to say, I feel out of place, I'm nervous and it shows, I hate small group discussions.

Strength is being comfortable in making mistakes and looking a bit unkept. Strength is laughing at the stupid things I said and getting over it. Strength is looking silly if it means helping someone else look good. Strength is telling someone that I'm not ok. Strength is admitting when I'm wrong or when I don't know something. Strength is listening to someone else tell me something I already knew, as if it's the first time I've ever heard it, because it's their turn.

People need to be heard and people need to feel like they have something to say. The only way for this to occur, is to allow room for people to let go a little and express themselves without someone saying, "oh yeah I know" or "actually thats not true" or "Hmm, I don't know about that" or "oh yeah the same thing happened to me..." every single time we open our mouths. Don't be a person like that. Be a person that creates space. Don't be a person that suffocates and shuts down the atmosphere. Don't make every conversation a competition. When you interrupt, when you 'already know' and they know that you know, when you look away while they're talking, when you roll your eyes, when you rush them by saying "yeah" a millions times... it pushes introverts away, back into their shells. It doesn't encourage someone to get out into the sunshine and expand their horizons. It reiterates what they've already been telling themselves, "People don't care what I have to say, no one is listening anyway." Prove them wrong and the world will be a different place.

Because people like us have a lot to say. 

Through the Thorns

He handed you a rose, but you responded by drawing a sword. 

He offered you new life, but you kept looking back once more.

He filled your heart with dreams, but you begged Him to let them go. 

He met all your needs, still you always preyed for more. 

He promised to be faithful, but your doubt kept you alone. 

Then you often wondered if He could really love you up close, like He said so. 

It wasn't that He left or that He let you down, it was a lack of confidence, you just didn't know who you were. 

It wasn't that He never spoke, it was that you never listened and seldom heard as His heart broke. 

When you're at the point of crashing down, when you can reach out and touch rock bottom, when you can no longer pretend to believe in a better next. When you are certain that He's left, because you never feel His peace anymore. Thereupon, He assures your inner soul that feelings are forever interchanging, why believe in them at all? Dig your nails into His hands, then you will never be forlorn.

Still, you had to let yourself bleed through the thorns and learn from the pain, in order to plant your roots into the centre of His Way. Now, together, we can grow fields of love for others to be adorned.

But you need to stay within His arms. You need to remember His name when it's dark. You need to hold on to the memories of when He rescued us from those guns. You need to rehearse the words of love He sang those many years ago, "you are beautiful like a rose, so much lovelier than I know, you are all that I ever long for..." 

And don't forget about the time He left a pink rose just lying there waiting for you on a park bench. 

You need to stay, you need to remember, you need to hold on, you need to rehearse, you can't forget. 

Our Saviour is not the one at fault. But He'll most certainly carry all our burdens as though they're His to the count.

His love is personal enough to know you better than you do and strong enough to lead you farther than you'll believe. But it's too big to carry alone, it's too powerful to contain. It's like the unrestrained ocean flooding the earth, overflowing past the brims into the sand, through the forrest, over the tops of the trees, under the dirt beneath our feet. Even in the desert, we are free. 

I'm so thankful that God searches our hearts. With Him, life is never ending. We just need to keep seeking Him as we're pushing through each storm. It's too easy to get distracted from what is His undisguised truth. We're so quick to let disappointment push us down the road of destitute. But no one can walk so far away for it to be too late. We give up on ourselves way before our loved ones ever could. But God, never would. Even when it feels like He mostly certainly has or most assuredly should. 

There's room for everyone we know, you know? 

It's more than a house. It's our home. 

He is home. 

The light is always on. 

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.””

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

Punching

I like open honesty. On one hand I feel completely comfortable sharing personal challenges in my life but on the other hand I'm quite closed and reserved. It depends on the listener really, sometimes people are better listeners when they read.

I got married at one of the loneliest times in my life so far. I've been lonelier before, but this time it was different. This time it was worse because I felt like I didn't have a vision to look towards or a hope for my future (for reasons that are my own). At least, that's what I had been convinced of by my own fears and disappointments. I'm starting to believe that the luxury of this way of thinking is seriously self centred. Pause. Think. 

Anyhow, my drive for more was at an all time low. I was in a sprititually and emotionally dark place. With that comes a whole lot of yuckiness that is very heavy to carry into a new marriage. 

I was able to put these despairing feelings on hold, in fact, I even forgot they were there for a little while, because I had a wedding to look forward to! And I'm one of those girls that religiously started planning my wedding when I was 13, collecting second hand bridal magazines, choosing songs to walk down the aisle to, drawing bridesmaid dresses, etc etc. It used to be my biggest dream for a very long time. Getting married seemed like a life of freedom and joy. I was entranced by the fairytale mindset, waiting for my happily ever after. Thankfully that changed. Somehow I still managed to kiss a few frogs that did not turn into my prince, even though I held this ideal view of marriage and finding my husband. The One-derful. I was once the shyest most insecure girl I knew. I was even too shy to order my own meal in restaurants. I had no backbone or confidence, except at home. There I became a little screaming devil. Of course, it was just a whole lot of anger, confusion and frustration bottled up, that would only errupt in the comfort of home. 

Oh to be a teenager again... No thanks. You see, I was never bullied in school, but, like everyone, I had my own obstacles to live through. I had to deal with rumours of being called a slut, thus I had to live through the shame and emotion of people looking at me with judgement and disapproval, yes adults too. I didn't have a whole lot of girlfriends in high school. I guess they rightfully gave up on me, after I kept putting boys before them one too many times. Boys made you feel special and all at once they could made you feel like an inside joke. But insecure girls like me, thought I needed them and didn't know I could actually walk away boldly and survive. When you're that young, you have no concept of consequence over your actions or wisdom for the future. You just react to everything, every feeling, every thought. I made ginormous mistakes that included cheating and lying and failing.  There wasn't much hope if you saw me back then. But I carried hope inside of me, before I stepped foot into the reality of grownup land. I always had a way to see beyond the now into the what might be. 

Still, after years go by, and you're living in what once was the might be, and it's not at all what it could have been, and you're no where near what you thought it would be, and you have no more confidence in your dreams left in the unseen. Well. What can I say? Life becomes meaningless. And anyone who lives a meaningless life, or with the belief that their own life is meaningless, is not a happy person. Marrying and living with someone like that is even harder. Jason Lessels deserves a medal for choosing me.  

So into our marriage I dragged along a whole dumping of insecurities. Many of them physical. You know, when you're married theyre going to see everything! That's scary, if you're physically ashamed and do tricks in the locker rooms so you can change infront of someone without anything being unveiled. To name a few silly insecurities:

1. Going number 2. This thought used to cause a lot of distress. Even before I met Jase, I used to worry about how you can go do your business when you're married. Do you go really early before he's awake? Do you wait to go until he's out of the home?! Safe to say that it is no concern at all anymore, but rather a regular topic of conversation. Word of advice, if you can't talk about that stuff, don't marry him. 

2. Body hair. Oh my goodness. Laser hair removal. Need I say more? Well, unless you live in Newtown. 

3. Worst one of all, stretch marks that I got through puberty. This caused deep anxiety. I thought, here is this guy that thinks I'm beautiful but one day he's going to discover how ugly and scarred I am. I mean, we live in Australia where pregnant women and moms walk around in bikinis streak free. I wear shorts when I go swimming. I don't even have kids yet, so I can't use that excuse. We also live in the era of celebrities and social media where every woman seems to be perfect and toned. It's scary entering into marriage, feeling like these women all over the world are visual competition of what your husband will compare you against. 

Truth is, when a man really loves you, he honestly, truly loves all of you - scars and co. ladies! He doesn't even really see what you see. Love really is blind in this case. 

Like I said, I got married in the midst of one of the loneliest times in my life, which should have been one of the happiest times. I never imagined it would be that way. But everyone's journey is different. It's best not to place unattainable expectations on your wedding or marriage. You can't really compare your experience to others. As hard as that is. 

Side note: You'll probably have to deal with months of people repetitively asking you how married life is and whether you're still in the honeymoon period. People are so weird, why would you ask anyone that?! What if the answer is no? That's another reason why I dislike small talk; acquaintances ask stupidly intruding questions that have become socially acceptable and we're all expected to respond exaggeratedly happy every single time. No one usually wants the plain truth, they just don't know what else to say. So you get shoved into the "just married" corner and you will stay there until someone else fills your place. 

To be fair, my husband is the one who kept our marriage intact, particularly the first year. Not because we weren't right for each other, but because I wasn't in an emotionally healthy place. Friendships were few and far between, social interaction was limited (no ones fault but my own, I know! But it's not that simple), I couldn't get a job for over a year and the whole hope for the future thing that I mentioned was inconspicuous. And to top it off, I married a pastor. This was probably the hardest thing to adjust to, not that I don't value what he does. Quite the opposite in fact. But when your self worth is down in the dumps, you start to see yourself in a very negative light and you end up believing quite a few lies. And when you believe such lies, you begin to carry them on your back and in your thoughts, so your whole countenance screams it out loud.

I was certain that I had made the right choice in marrying him (one of my few good decisions), but I was also stubbornly convinced that he had made a grave mistake in marrying me. I was just waiting for him to wake up and realise it for himself. But instead of hoping that day wouldn't come, I lived in defence, always preparing for the worst, unaware that I was creating unnecessary difficulties for myself. I thought this was a safe way to avoid getting caught off guard when he'd decide not to want me anymore. I thought I could be in control of not getting hurt. That makes sense right? 

Fortunately, I married the best man in the world and one day men will travel from great distances, bearing gifts, in order to glean from him and gather wisdom on how to love your wife through anything, and love her more and more each day. 

People always joke about how Jase is "punching", but that is far from truth. I know it's said in lightheartedness and is part of the culture here. But I cringe whenever people say that, because all I can think is, "little do they know..." In my understanding, it only emphases how our society places value and importance on physical attractiveness, which only accentuates the bigger problem we have with physical insecurities and distorted views on beauty. Gosh! Someone needs to lighten up.

Not that I'm at all competent to say anything, but just from what I'm learning in marriage, sometimes he is strong and other times she will be (in my case, he always is). But a marriage will stand as long as one of you is willing to lead and love through the dark times. Like Jason says, "we're in this together." Jason Lessels has also pinky-promised and swore that he will not die before I do. And I often like to remind him of this promise, it should have been in our vows. 

But in all seriousness, your youth and past relationship experiences play such a major role in more than just your future marriage or friendships, but even in your personal development. I know everyone already knows this but I think many of us go through life never addressing things or taking the past into account in regard to present struggles or pain. My unqualified advice would be, if you are heading into marriage and lifelong partnership, don't keep space available for the past to haunt you unexpectedly, but rather ackowledge the past, walk through it, ask questions, and then move on into your future a little lighter. The more you can understand and release from your past, the more empowered you become. So look back for a little while, just enough to help you move forward. But don't go alone. 

Relationships are important. You get thrown into them from day one, it's called family. Relationships create who you become and how you evolve. I suspect that you can have a happier marriage if you also pursue healthy friendships. And don't forget that your spouse is your best friend too. I tend to forget quite often. People are important. People bring out more or less of your true personality. Children need to know this, teenagers need to know this, adults need to know this. But that's a topic for another day...

Romy

I haven't been able to write for months. The harder I try the uglier it gets. I'm agonised by the sense of having nothing to offer, I am aware of how little life I've lived lately. I am overly conscious of writing anything in fear of it being hypocritical. Nothing I've written recently, reads authentically. Everything I have written in the past now feels obtuse. 

I've reached a season in my life where, every other day feels like the day my head might actually melt off. Just diffuse. I'll simply disappear into self-loathesomeness. 

You see, there isn't anything I can do to change the past or go back and make better decisions or more use of the time I once had. Thus, I am living with the struggle of lost and wasted years, which has built up into enormous regret, even anger. I have an ever protruding knot inside my chest. If I appear cold, quiet or distant it is merely to control any slight emotional nudge that may press my tears button in a most untimely event. 

There are few instances more depleting than feeling like your whole life has led up to nothing, just one big drop into naught. You started off with such zeal and passion. But somewhere at a crossroad, you hitched a ride with fear, discouragement and doubt. They became your comfortable-corrupt associates, always stealing away the days you needed confidence and joy. In essence you were in the right place at the right time but with the wrong crowd. Listening to the voices that held you underground. A whisper inside your heart always said, "One day I'll change. I won't always be this way". And you'd have visuals of the future you that gave you hope to last. Future you was brave and bold, she was confident in speech, generous with her smile, intellectual and challenging, she believed in the impossible and wasn't afraid of taking risks. It was like she wasn't you at all. But you believed in her, you believed that she could become. You just missed the part where she could only evolve through you, from all the small, seemingly insignificant, daily choices. You had the ability to grow into her and that's where you went wrong. Now you wonder whether she has become a distant mirage of someone you once thought you'd meet. But in reality, she never even came into existence. Future you was never allowed to be. 

Does this mean that you're stuck? Cause it certainly feels that way. Is it ever too late to dream again or hope for something more meaningful? 

There is nothing worse than a life without meaning. But meaning is all around us. Everyday is filled with it! Everyday we encounter people, which means everyday is an opportunity to love somebody, to smile at somebody, to help somebody, to pay for somebody, to encourage somebody... The thing is, these little good-kind-caring things aren't usually considered meaningful or worth living for. We pretend like we believe they are, but they never quite seem enough. Until we keep doing them habitually. Until they become who we are. Givers. That's when we'll know what truly is everything. 

As per usual, I was looking at life all wrong. I was starting to feel like Romy in Romy and Michelle's Highschool Reunion. I needed something to prove I was somebody, that I had excelled, that I was successful, that I was really heading somewhere in life. So instead of being loving I was bitter. Instead of being thankful for what I have, I was living with a sense of lack. Instead of embracing the revelation that God is the one who brings worth to our lives, I let society decide what was worthwhile in life. Sometimes hopelessness hits you like a life threatening illness. But if there is one more day left in you, there is always a reason to be thankful and another opportunity to take responsibility. Life becomes more valuable, when you concede that you are full of value and embody a devotion of bringing value to others. 

The Christian life is one of having reoccurring amnesia about what God has already done and begging for daily proof of His proximity and faithfulness. But He does not forget that you exist and His knowledge of your timeline is more indepth, broad and in context than your experience of it in the present. 

I can be so good at making such a big deal about nothing, complicating simplicity. You know, it's scary admitting to feeling like I failed God. If it came to the end, I'm not sure He'd say "well done". 

That's what kills me the most. 

But don't let regret eat your potential or spit out your faith. Stab it in the head like it's the walking dead. 

I predict that in the coming years, I will look back with greater understanding. Right now, I'm only writing with whatever optimism I have left in the reappearance of future me. Thankfully she's just me, I'm here now and God is too. So are you.

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”

Matthew 25:35-36, 40 NIV

Contagious

I can't speak for everyone, but as a girl, I seriously still struggle with my body and feeling free and beautiful and confident or classically sexy in my own skin. I should say woman, but I still feel like I'm just a girl. Though, actually, I am a woman. I'm 30 now after all. You'd think that after so many years I would have developed a deeper sense of security in who I am and how I look. But no, here I am, still battling with the person I see in the mirror. Over-analysing, judging harshly and unfairly. What does that mean for our little girls and teenage beauties? How are they handling their thoughts towards themselves? How can we as women lead the way if we're no better than they are at this whole "happy with how I look" thing. 

You can be in a wonderful, beautiful place with so much to be thankful for, but if you feel ugly, it's like a grim shadow has blinded your eyes to reality and all you can see is everything you hate about yourself. And it shines through your posture and countenance and face expression and yes even your heart.

When you feel ugly, you feel like a nobody, you feel dirty and unwanted. You battle between wishing you were invisible and hoping someone would finally see the real you. People might be surprised to read all this, because majority of the time, if anyone says anything to me it goes along the lines of "you're so pretty", "you don't need to watch what you eat, you're so skinny." By the way, I hate it when people say that. 

As if being skinny is the be all and end all of beauty. And no I can't eat anything I want to, I am slim because of what I choose to eat and what I choose not to eat. I eat what I eat because I want to be healthy, but since I am tall, have a small frame and bone structure, when I eat well I look "skinny".

Most of the time I still feel like an awkward adolescent unsure of what to do with my hands. 

But I'm heading into that stage in life, where I want to be an example and conquer this insecurity thing before I might have a daughter some day, and before my niece and my goddaughter grow up and start looking in the mirror and looking at the girls on tv and looking at their friends in school and observing how the world responds differently to the pretty girls. 

Speaking from experience, I think it's important that we not only compliment our daughters on their appearance. It's surprising how insecure and jealous you become, when all you hear your whole life is how pretty you are. You start to feel like there's nothing else people are interested in but your looks. And when you gain weight or you have no friends or you haven't been told you're pretty in a while, well, very quickly you start the self hate talk. Because, your whole life you believed you were a nobody unless somebody thought you were attractive. You started to strive to be seen as physically beautiful, you hungered for it, you chased after it, you began to use it as your weapon. But you never felt fulfilled, you were never pretty enough. You still aren't. There's always someone else who looks better than you. Then you realise that, one day, you will lose this face and this body, so who will care to know me then? 

Don't waste your youth chasing after beauty or physical approval. The most beautiful women aren't the hairless ones with the perfect clear skin, the toned legs, flat tummy, big dreamy eyes, or full lucious hair. 

The most beautiful people, are the ones who search for the truth in others, who have overcome pain and hardship and now carry God's grace in their smiles and His love like a favourite everyday outfit. Forgiving, understanding, and encouraging, always. And laughter of course, brings the best out in others. 

True beauty is contagious. It's like love. It's not jealous or boastful. 

Let's encourage our daughters with confidence and acceptance beyond their physical image. Let's teach our girls and boys that beautiful isn't defined through perfection or the people we see on our screens. Let's show them what true beauty is through God's love and acceptance towards us. But let's be real. Don't stop saying, "you're beautiful." Just don't stop there either. 

“If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

1 Corinthians 13:3-7 MSG

 

Robcast: Good vs Perfect

I tried to type out most of one of Rob Bell's podcast episodes. There was a lot of pause, rewind, type, play, repeat. But I thought it was really beautiful and potentially life changing: 

//Good vs. Perfect//

Death and birth are natural, organic processes through which new life comes into the world. 

The sun rises and sun also sets. There is light and then darkness, God says that it is good. Tov (Hebrew for good).

Death and birth.

Burying in the earth and then rising in the earth.

Seasons with a gradual planting and harvesting and explosion of life, followed by a gradual tapering off into a death and a stillness and a winter hibernation, to be usurped, essentially, by a new spring. Seasons are good. It's good. The Hebrews gave us this idea of an affirmation of life in all of its death and rebirthness, in all of its darkness and light. In all of its seasons that come and go. It's cold and then it's warm. 

Tov (good). Good is sweaty and dirty and dark and light and death and birth and It's sexy and it's wine and it's food and it's friends. Tov is of the earth. Tov isn't interested in nice, neat, right angles. Tov isn't really interested in everything being spotless, and shining and polished and glossed. Tov is about life in all of its bristling authenticity. 

Hebrews gave us good, tov. But the Greeks (essentially) gave us this idea of perfect, the ideal... A perfection and ideal that can never be reached. 

Tov has a dynamic built into it that life, the universe itself, the planet, you, are in the endless process of becoming. There is a movement, a motion, a flow to good. Things are one day a certain way, but tomorrow they will not be the same way. That tree will keep growing, it will keep producing. That person will be moving forward or they will be moving backwards. That person will be growing and maturing and flourishing or they won't. 

Life. 

Think about the food you bring home from the supermarket. The more life it has the fresher it is. The closer it is from the source from which it came the shorter it's period within which it can give you life before it begins to go stale. The worst food for you, like a twinkie, you can leave in the cupboard for a year and nothing's going to happen to them. They're static, they're frozen. But life is changing, it's morphing, it's becoming. You are becoming somebody. Your energies and direction and trajectory and arc of your life are headed in a direction. The idea that we're static, frozen people simply isn't true because the universe itself is in the endless process of becoming. Often times what happens with perfection, perfect, is that it gives us a static view of the universe. You just are, you just arrive. How many people had a goal that they were like, "when I reach that goal everything will be perfect". Then you reach the goal and there was this profound let down. You found yourself even bored. Because life is this dynamic reality that demands that we engage upon it. Sometimes perfection, or perfect, comes with these categories. Basically perfect is that which cannot be improved. The moment there is nothing more to do, something within us is like "ughhh." it loses its vitality and heart. So in some ways good and perfect could be seen as a static unchanging fixed view vs a dynamic, flowing, becoming view of the world. 

Good is going somewhere. It's sweaty, dirty, sexy, wine and friends, it's stumbling down, it's falling flat on your face. For the world to actually be a world it actually has to be a world. For it not to be a simulation, for it not to be an intellectual exercise in the abstract. For the world to actually be a world, it has to be free to be a world. It has to be free to be bloody and dangerous, or it isn't a world. Do you see why this is so important? You have to be able to make a mess of things. If you don't have the kind of power that can really make a mess of things, then how can we ever have the kind of power and freedom and choice to make something really beautiful? For the world to be a world it actually has to be free to be a world. And for us to be people, we actually have to be free to be people. For us to be human, we actually have to be free to be human. We have to have enough power and choice and will to make a complete mess of things. Which means we have enough power and will and choice to make a new kind of world, a better kind of world. Something beautiful. You as a human being, it's not about you running from that power, from shrinking from it and avoiding it. Which by the way, is most of the comments on YouTube. All that Internet hate and all those people who seem to have tremendous energy to shred what other people are doing when they don't seem to be doing anything themselves, that's what happens when you shrink and run from the power that you have. As long as I'm pointing at the flaws of what somebody else is doing and making then I don't have to deal with how I have been shrinking and running and avoiding my own power to do something in the world. People shrink and avoid that power because it's painful and bloody and frustrating. 

So we're here, and we're human beings and we get to work in harmony with it. Taming it, moving in sync with it, finding its groove. The problem with perfect, is when you have this ideal in your head of perfection, as often times perfect tries it and if it doesn't immediately work out, perfect bails. Perfect is totally flummoxed. You had this thing in your head, you tried it, immediately it didn't go how it was supposed to go or how you thought it was supposed to go, or whatever the ideal was announced to you. And so we just quit. I tried, but it wasn't awesome so I quit. 

But tov (good) understands that everything is in the process of becoming and things take time. Everything in your life that matters takes time. And it takes intention and it takes energy. And you wrestle with it and you dance with it. And It knocks you down, but you get back up. See, it's all part of it when you're seeing life through the tov (good) lense. The eb and the flow and the seasons and the struggle. It's all part of what makes the world a world and it's all part of what makes you a human. It's all part of what makes you, you!

Think about a sculptor working with clay. It's about the fingers digging into the clay and moving it around, and trying this, and that didn't work so you go over here and try this and then you try that way, and then maybe you add a little water, then you turn it around and maybe look at it from a different direction. It's working with it. And all of the miss cues, all of the things you tried that didn't work are all part of it. 

Good is ok with flaws. Good celebrates all those roads you went down that you found out were a cul-de-sac. Good celebrates all the miss turns as part of it. Perfect often doesn't know what to do with our humanity. Perfect endlessly flogs itself for its imperfections. For all the ways that it sees itself falling short of the ideal. But good sees that it's all part of the bloody, difficult, strange, exotic, beautiful, mysterious thing that we know to be life. 

Quick tangent on afterlife, somebody asked ,"can't we just skip through all of the difficulty of this life and the not knowing and get to the part where we die and then we know everything?" 

No! No, we can't. Here's why: first off, where did you get the idea that when we die we'll know everything? Do you realise that the not knowing, the wonder and the mystery and the search, exploration and the hunt, the discovery, that's where the life is. That's good. For many people, the vision they were taught was essentially a very Greek afterlife. You're down here, sort of screwing it all up and then someday you die and then everything will be perfect. Perfect?? You mean that which cannot be improved upon. You mean that which is static and unchanging? In other words, that which is so boring you just want to die? 

You don't want perfect, trust me. You want good. You want process, becoming, exploration, learning. You love this sense, that you don't know what today will bring. Your moments of greatest joy are when you actually have a sense of anticipation. Where's this going to go? It's that sense of "I don't exactly know what's going to come, but I know it's going to be good." Let's disabuse ourselves of these ideas that somehow the goal is to get everything set and perfect, that which cannot be improved upon. That is the recipe for boredom. There are elements of excellence, of perfection, that are healthy and beautiful, but I'm talking about the unhealthy side. 

Now let's talk about the voices in our head. "Why can't you get everything right the first time" "why can't you be like so and so? They just skate, they float, they glide. They just make one good decision after another." 

It's a voice in your head that tells you, "you should nail this on the first try." Anything that is perfection out of the gate, means there's something wrong with you. 

Everybody, is at some level, stumbling through it. Everybody is doing the best with what they got. 

See, tov is good, it's about direction. It's about where you're headed, it's about your heart. Tov (good) had room for the flaws, for the missteps, because it's all part of it. The power of tov, and the power of Genesis ch. 1  is the light and the darkness both belong. The death and the burial and that new fresh seedling rising up out of the earth all belong. The season ending and a new season beginning; summer leading into fall, leading into winter when everything is dead, and then the explosion of new life in spring is all part of it. 

Do you have a static, fixed view of the universe? A perfection based view of the universe, where everything is the way it is, you get it nailed and then it stays exactly like that forever. That is not reflective of the world we live in. 

Tov acknowledges that there is a pain  when one thing ends and another thing begins, when one thing runs its course and then another thing starts. There is a pain of winter. Ever felt like it's like winter and a bunch of things died, and it's cold and lonely? Tov (good) has room for that. And God said, "it's good." It's all part of it. 

I wish somebody would have told me this, I wish somebody would have said, "all of the ways you're going to fall flat on your face, all of the regrets, all the shame, all the humiliation, all the embarrassment, it's all part of you becoming you." So just stop taking it so hard on yourself, stop beating yourself up, stop flogging yourself for the end of seasons, beginnings of seasons, for all the wrong turns. It's all good. 

Birth, man it's not perfect, but it's good. Cause it's all good. It all belongs. That's not a cliche for a tshirt it is a truth about how the whole thing works.

I wish somebody would have said to me years ago, "What's the Bible? Oh yeh, the Bible is this fascinating story that begins with the affirmation of life in all of its bloody imperfections. It begins with this resounding, joyful, embrace of all the messiness of life. All the times when seasons end, all the winters, all the changing of the tides, all the terror and drama and fragility of birth, all of those moments when you feel buried in the dirt and it turns out later that it was simply the burial for the resurrection."

Some translations in English say that Jesus said to be perfect. That word in the Greek means to be more whole and mature. So when some translators say that Jesus said to be perfect, I think he's saying to be whole, be mature. Pursue your health and wholeness. Line yourself up with the Divine and how the Divine moves through the world. So, for many people religion and even views of spirituality handed them a whole checklist of perfection that just had made them so miserable. Think of how many addictions, think of how many bad patterns come from "you're supposed to get it all right the first time." So here's the deal, you don't have to get it right the first time. What you do in Tov is you simply learn. You fall flat on your face, you get up and then you ask yourself a bunch of questions about what you can learn, cause you're discovering. Thank God you don't know it all, that'd be so boring! 

Good vs perfect? Welcome to Good. 

Others?

What is success? What defines a successful life? Is it money? Is it physical beauty? Is it our belongings? Is it our status in the hierarchy of fame and power? Is it determined by who we know? Is it happiness? Is it having a close relationship with your family? Is it enjoying what you do for work? Is it knowing that you are not defined by what you do? Is it still loving your husband or wife after several years together? Is it achieving your life's goals?

Since we have allowed social media to basically take over our lives, it feels like the issue of comparison has gone through the roof. There's no more ceiling, its just an endless 'knocking on the head' of reminders that others have it better, others have more, others are happier, others are prettier, others have it together, others are more successful. Others. It's all about the others, but not in the way it should be. This way of obsessing about other people, sadly reflects how selfish we are becoming. All we really care about, is me. Seriously. This is the extreme opposite of being selfless, when everything inside of me is about you and them and everyone. 

I find myself hypocritically divided between loving and hating social media. Though it has potential to connect and make the world smaller, somehow it has ended up dividing people, creating the Gulf of Emptiness. It gives the impression of community and wears the dress of popularity, but it hides the truth of everyday reality and diminishes the importance of investing in deepening relationships that really truly matter. Though it can be used to develop great opportunities and even initiate friendships, tragically, it seems to have dug up and worsened our dirty little insecurities. These lies are now great headlines running across our minds. Our eyes are constantly looking up to see the latest news flash of personal doubt and lack. Our hearts are endlessly 'refreshing' our need of approval. 

Bombarded with images that suddenly become our desires and define our dreams.

I never knew I needed all these things.

I never knew I should think these things.

I never knew I should feel this way.

I never knew I should believe that.

Suddenly, everyone's opinion has become my own. 

We are losing our souls to this slide-show world of "highlights".

We start to falsely believe that we actually know all these amazing people and that we are part of their lives somehow. Surely they must notice our likes and read our comments. Even amongst all the hundreds of others, mine must definitely stand out?! But even if they don't, we desperately long for them to. 

Our desire to be known and noticed by distant strangers we admire, has become more important than our own lives and the real people in it. 

I long for a time when we used to sit around laughing and chatting, not rushing, but listening and learning from each other, keeping eye contact, accepting a friend's embrace, sharing a long meal, playing games by a fireplace, enjoying the silence together, watching a movie without interruptions from a buzzing message, having a conversation without distractions of a lit up screen. The warmth of reality. The simplicity that once was.

Our minds are scattered.

We cannot be in a crowded room with someone, without scanning back and forth, back and forth and then again back and forth, back and forth. Constantly looking away, only to remind ourselves to return back to the moment and stay focused. Engage. Be vulnerable. Be real. Although, it shouldn't be something we need reminding of, it should be our natural instinct. But we just don't want to miss anything thats going on out there. And we fear of what may come from a purposeful conversation. We despise the closeness that could remove a layer of armour and weaken our shield against intimacy. Even though it is our loudest need.

A smile is one of the most beautiful trademarks of a person's face. It can draw you in and make you feel accepted, loved, seen, special. But sometimes our smiles hide what we really feel or mean. A smile should reflect truth. If we are using smiles to keep others at a distance, then we have misunderstood its purpose. If a smile is meant to draw in, why are we using smiles to keep people out (in reference to being in a crowded public place like a party or church)

"I smiled at you from a distance, there is no need to come over and converse. I smiled, you smiled, we held eye contact for a millimoment, quickly observed each other's outfit and acknowledged one another's existence, that is all that's necessary. Well hey, let's keep it civilised. Right? I don't want to end up being trapped in a real conversation. I've got places to go (the bathroom maybe), people to see 

(on instagram probably) and things to do (post a new photo). I don't have time for this nonsense. This so called 'get to know you' business." 

Of course, I'm only exaggerating. Not everyone is a slave to these issues. But honestly, many people are and sometimes, I am. Though there are many positive messages out there too, there are oh so many negative interpretations of well meant sharing of personal lives.

So what does it come down to? 

Is it healthy for me and for my sanity to always be reminding myself of what I don't have or of what I wish I looked like?

Is it good, to feel inadequate in my own skin this often in a day?  

  

Is it beneficial for my future, to believe the daily lies that I am lacking in talent?

What will our future look like, if we continue to listen to the fiction and strive to achieve a false perfect image of success? 

please like me #makeupfree

Perhaps you're thinking, how we respond to social media is our own individual business. If you feel ugly, boring or 

unsuccessful by looking at instagram, then it just highlights something that you need to work out. But don't be a hater just because you're insecure. 

Well. 

Maybe you're right. 

In fact, you probably are.

But, maybe, there's more to it then that. 

The truth is, I know that the complexity of jealousy and comparison will always be with us, with or without the internet. We may conquer a hurdle of self doubt one day, only to gear up again for the next one tomorrow. 

The underlying truth is that we all have a deep rooted need to be loved and liked for who ever we truly are. The only way to receive that kind of love, is to allow people into the "grit and grime" of our honest selves. To open our lives and welcome the possibility of pain, rejection and loss. 

For when we desperately lose our selves in truth, we find life. 

Search for truth and don't give up till it finds you. 

"For whoever wants to save their life, will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? (Matthew 16: 25-26)