search through the surface

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me." 

Psalm 139:1

The importance of meaning and love in life...

What is life worth if we don't live for something beyond ourselves.

Is it really necessary to do so?

What's the big deal about needing to be known. Desiring for someone to be intensely interested in us, for searching our hearts and minds as if searching for treasure, always wanting more.

What is the relation between being heard and being loved. Or being intimately known and being loved.

Many of us believe that God wants to be known, searched and loved. He knows how much we need to know Him.

If it is His vision and desire for us to know Him deeply, then no wonder it is our strong desire to be known. The difference is that He is God and doesn't change or feel depleted if we aren't showing interest or taking the time to know Him more. He is beyond wholeness and completeness with or without us.

But in comparison, we can be utterly crushed and carry a sense of worthlessness when the ones we meet or keep company with seem disinterested. We associate feeling unlovable or unloved with the way people respond to us as individuals, not seeming to care what we have to say or for being indifferent to our thoughts and feelings. We wonder, "do they even care?"

Another way to feel valued is when the ones you love most want to advertise how amazing they think you are and like to share with the world how much they love you and can't stop "singing your praises".

Kind of like with God… to know Him and make Him known…

I wonder, is there a connection? After all, being created in His image, there's got to be some similarities.

Different but similar.

I sense that something has been lost and it’s leaving a trail of lonely souls. People have time to scroll through instagram for longer than they have time to give getting to know someone in an honest open real life conversation. People will follow or befriend you on social media and leave comments on photos more often than they’ll speak to you in person. They give the impression that they’re part of your life and care about you, but the reality of this actually outworking is far from the façade. The people that don’t know you physically but know you through instagram really do want to see the photos you put up or others put up of you but don’t always want to acknowledge you outside the cyber space in the real world. We all do this.

The truth about loneliness?

You need someone to help you out.

But people don’t generally know you sit alone at home a lot, because when you are in public you put a happy face on.

Not necessarily being fake because you genuinely are happy to be around people, maybe not always but often, especially if you’ve made the effort to go out.

The place to tell someone how you are truly feeling is one on one in private.

Unfortunately, you rarely find yourself in a position like this.

Also, if you want to make friends you don’t want to start off with your “sad story”.

But you really are sad.

You basically want to cry anytime someone asks you how you’re doing.

Or you’re angry, all the time.

I’ve been there before, have you?

I sincerely believe that every single human being has the desire to be known. The only way to know someone is to invest your time in conversation. In that time you give your focused attention, showing sincere interest in who they really are. People are beautiful, complicated, intricate, comprehensive and deep. There is history, purpose, quirky character traits, little unique details and different personality-isms that all contribute to a person’s individuality. All of us want to be discovered, hopefully not by everyone at the same level of depth, but certainly we want more than what is seen on the surface. The surface can be deceiving and easily misunderstood.

You cannot really know someone from a picture or a fancy quote. You may get an idea of who they are alluding to be but the only way, the only way, to truly know someone and give them value is to give them your time and your attention.

Do you find people interesting?

Do you want to value people like Jesus does?

Have you felt the wind today?

It's like I've been chasing the wind for so long,

that its brought me to a place, but suddenly gone very still

Now I'm just waiting, hoping for a mere hint of a breeze, to remind me of why I'm here.

I used to long to live in obedience to the One I follow

It felt so clear in a way. 

There was a vision, a dream 

Sometimes the wind is wild, so dramatic. Begging for attention.

To deny it exists would be plain ignorance, particularly in the midst of a storm. When its strength pulls trees from their roots and crushes branches into dust. We know that it is real.


Other times it's ever so still, so quiet. As if resting in the warmth of the sunshine or eavesdropping on all the people passing by. In this instance, it's almost like the wind has vanished. But do we deny its presence when it can't be obviously felt? Do we forget what the sound of the breeze through the leaves sounds like? Do we begin to doubt whether we've ever really felt annoyance from the way it tangled our hair into a nest?

 

So it is with the Almighty One. Our God, who ever so beautifully loves us and in my attempt at a hopeful interpretation, feels as if we're at a stage in our relationship that allows us to be in complete silence but still enjoy the company: knowing we're together. Does He really need to prove Himself every time I don't hear from Him. Is it not enough to simply know that He is here?

If you haven't obviously heard something from God in a while, but you're longing for some guidance, maybe try to see it as though He believes that we know Him better by now than to worry about whether He's abandoned "me". Can we try and rest in that knowledge? I honestly do know one place we can always go to find Him or hear from Him. If only I'd bother to make more of an effort. Relationships go both ways, why do we expect any different when it comes to God? Why aren't we more captivated by the stillness?




Truth is

I'm not captivated

I'm tired

I feel like I'm stuck, with no where to turn that feels right,

and the doors are closed to the ways I would choose if I could.

But if I meet you at a cafe, at church, or anywhere else public and social, I'll be sure to smile and tell you, "I'm fine." "I know it's only a season, it won't be like this forever". and I'm sure you will tell me, "you know God is in control, He loves you, He wouldn't have brought you this far, to leave you now." 

something along those lines, right?

Think about how good you are at diverting conversations off of you, pretending you're fine, or telling people exactly the things you know you need to believe for yourself, but really you can't.

So what makes you think that the people you encounter everyday are any different to you? 

Maybe what people tell us, in a weak attempt at seeming strong, isn't always the truth

Not many have the patience or time, to stop and wait, or to draw out more. Because if you wait long enough, you will see the truth. If you ask enough questions, you will hear a glimmer of the truth. 

But people are very quick to give cliches and helpful answers that sound great to those that are doing fine, but in reality are of no help to the people they're intended for. 

Have you ever felt like you got on a roller coaster too soon. Without any aid, you're not strapped in, sitting alone, you want to get off, but no one can hear you and all they are telling you is that it's going to be so fun. But no one has come to sit next to you or help you off if they can see you're not ready. 

That's what a cliche answer feels like.

Our stories are not the same, so they can't be compared

But I'd like to hear your story, because I like stories.

I honestly do believe that this isn't forever, I don't know how, but I know that deep down.

In moments like these, all we want is a friend. 

someone to laugh with

someone who will draw us out of our "self"

someone who will simply hang out with us

bring the best out 

enjoy the same things

make us feel like we are interesting

ask questions 

listen and wait - because everyone knows how hard it is to express our true self... and after all of that, after you have sat, loved, stayed and waited... THEN you can tell me how amazing you know Jesus is and remind me how much I love Him. Because I always do still love Him. That never changes. 

And out of everyone, He definitely understands the most. 

He asks all the right questions - the deep thinker ones

He definitely wins at the waiting game

Be a friend to others, like Jesus would be #newyearsresolution? #waystoendtheyearwell?


If we are made to be in relationship, why don't we try and make more of an effort to excel in what we are made for. 

In the end it's always about the people, the individual. 

Even though I write this, I honestly find it so hard to live out.

And yes your husband should be your best friend but he can't be your girlfriend. You'll need both, separately

my home, my chosen family

My Husband is my home.

So much rest found in those words.

I know that no matter what, home is never far away

I can always find comfort there where he is

We do things quite differently to each other

He takes his time and thinks things through quietly

He responds calmly and always considerately

He chooses love, over anything else

I have never experienced selfishness from him

He is truly, the greatest at this whole love thing

On our wedding day, after we'd said the "I do's" 

The most prevailing feeling I carried was, I feel safe and I feel at home

It was a deep sense of love, a kind I'd never felt before

It was calm and quiet 

Like waking up to an earth covered in snow, 

bright but ever so still

complete silence

The peaceful kind, not the eerie kind. 

There was no chaos

not confusion

no fear or doubt

only complete, simple, profound trust

It was freeing.

On the morning of, I woke insanely early, 

Way before the alarm clock even though I only slept a mere few hours

It was raining outside, no it was pouring outside

Regardless of unanswered prayers for clear skies, I felt joy and excitement.

Everything was funny to me that morning

I woke my sister up with a delightful song about how it was raining and I was getting married, while I was painting my own nails in bed. 

it was a slow morning for the first two hours and suddenly it became a whirlwind of hair, make-up, flowers, people, my dress is wrinkled, iron the dress, photographs, quickly get in the car, don't get the dress dirty in the rain, don't be late don't be late don't be late.

Sure enough we were late.

My dress was wrinkled again the moment I sat in the car

It rained basically the WHOLE day 

And even though it was insanely hot two days before, on OUR day it was really cold. Actually the cold helped my shoes fit better since I hadn't worn them in yet and it made sure we weren't too sweaty since that happens, even to the best of us, when we're nervous. Right?

Sure enough, just as everyone predicted, the day went by so quickly

I didn't notice the little details and I didn't care

I didn't even get to try all the dessert. Desert? No definitely dessert. 

In fact, I could barely move with fear of my sleeves falling off my shoulders

There was laughter, there were tears, no ugly crying thankfully. We still get people telling us how good the speeches were and how beautiful my dress was.

It was a day full of love and appreciation

Somehow underneath the fairy-lights and amidst the hum of conversation, there were small moments where I felt completely alone and a little sad. I'm not so good at small talk especially in a loud and crowded place and for some reason when you're a bride people aren't sure what to say to you except marriage and weddingy things and that can only go so far when there's a whole lot of people wanting to speak to you but aren't quite sure what to say. 

My main desire for our wedding day was for people to like the food, not get bored but enjoy being there and to experience a side of Jason and I that isn't generally so prevalent. 

Weddings do that. 

They bring out the best in a couple through the love that is felt, to seeing the families they grew up in and from hearing the speeches people give about them. 

Make-up helps too.

The sadness was simply because I knew that because our wedding day had finally come, so was the day approaching when my family and friends would have to leave again. When you have the most special niece in the world like I do, going even a day without seeing her face or hearing her voice is hard. Imagine a year, or more. 

In a way, weddings are no different to regular life as a whole, except for all the extra big smiles and dressed up people. There are moments of all sorts but the overall feeling you go away with is, "I am so thankful to have found this love". A love so deep and so wide, you can get lost in it and forget to appreciate everyday together because its so consistently in your face. 

But everyday I am thankful even though it's not always seen.

I have found the greatest man in the world who for some reason chose to love me.

Suddenly we became our own little family (that'll grow one day I'm sure). 

It really makes everything and anything else that happens more bearable and brings such greater meaning to life.

Family does that.

Love does that.

Family is love, real life messy love.

People always say, your husband or wife is the only family you get to choose.

Take that advice seriously! It's not about finding "the one" it's about finding someONE who you'll love and who will love you on your ugliest, worst days as if it's your most beautiful. It's about a love that continues to grow fuller and stronger. Each moment may not be beautiful or picturesque but they will build your life and create memories that you can look back and learn from. 

Slowly become the family you want for your children and for each other. 

Your family can create a better future for others.

When you get married you become a family in every sense of the word.

Let's make the future of FAMILY, brighter.

                                   

 i LOVE you