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I stopped writing for a while. I’m still not sure if I’ll keep writing. But I recognize that when I write, it helps me process more than when I don’t write. But when I write and share, it helps me grow; just a little bit more every time.

For people like me, it’s hard to vocalise thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Though I’m beginning to think that it’s an essential part of being a healthy human being, to have the freedom to express the internal stuff.

Not everything, to everyone, all the time though. But also not nothing, to no one, ever.
Balance. It always comes back to balance.
The balance of life is apparently a fine art that I am far from mastering.

In my heart I’m all about justice. Bringing justice to the people.

In reality right now though, I’m not bringing any justice to anyone. I’m not sure I quite know what that means, or how to even do it. But I know I want to and I know – I think I know – I’ll never stop wanting to.

To be honest, we all believe that injustice needs to be fought against. Many of us believe that God is Just and that He hates injustice more than we do. But it isn’t until something unjust happens to someone too close to our heart that we suddenly begin to question God's involvement. At least I know I tend to, sometimes.

It’s somewhat easy to have grand ideas, when the making of them is still far in the distance. But it’s so much harder to keep them alight in the spheres of reality that we describe as “real life” and “the facts”.

If it’s true that we think however many zillions of words and thoughts per minute... then it’s true that there is so much inside of us that is unidentified. How clever are those people who know which thoughts to reveal by using the perfect words to make others think of them in exactly the way they hope to be seen. But don’t underestimate the thoughts of people that stumble and scramble for words. Words have emotions attached to them. Perhaps, beware of some of those that speak without fault, because in the end you want to hear the heart... and the heart isn’t so easy to hear amongst the noise of digestion.

We are all at fault of wanting to sound a certain way, wanting to be heard by certain people, wanting to express only certain parts of the story. We all have an image to carry and uphold. We all want to be seen and accepted. We all want to be loved. We all want to feel beautiful and smart. We all want to be heard, really truly genuinely heard. But you know what it says... do unto others as you want done to you. In other words, treat people with the respect you expect is indebted to you.

You want to be heard? Learn how to listen first.
You want to be loved? Try always wearing and walking in love.
You want to be given ...? Learn how to give (patience, grace, understanding, forgiveness, chance, second chance, third chance, opportunity, time...)

If right now, your life isn’t what you hoped it’d be yet... then do what makes you feel a little bit more awake or present.

Listen to music, read a book, take a walk, talk to a someone special, think positive, eat food you enjoy, write, bake, go for a run, draw, travel (if you can), give. Be in tune with who you are.  Try and do something that will help you 'come back to life' so to speak. You're important. full stop. You may not always think so. But you are definitely important to someone. That should be enough reason to work on yourself. 

Share yourself (appropriately) in any small way you can right now in your stage of life, and let’s see what comes of it. That’s what I’m going to try.

I guess it’s about making the right transactions. For me, today, that was starting to attempt writing again. 

We’ll see. 

endless pursuit

From my own journey, though it be short, I have come to the conclusion that we should never give up on the pursuit of knowing God, especially when it feels as though nothing makes sense.

Its easy to ignore and turn away from someone you are completely unaware of.

Its easy to turn away from someone you don't know or love.

Its easy still to turn away from someone you've  "miss" - heard of but already don't like.

It gets harder to turn away from someone you know loves you.

But its almost impossible to turn away from someone who's love you have received and to whom you have given love, and still expect to live in peace… 

This is my reality when it comes to Jesus.

Since I have walked with Him, it seems impossible to walk away. Because, it is in the walking with Him that I have learnt what love is, and seen life and people through a perspective I never knew I could reach or had within me. 

Its when I stop consciously walking alongside Him, that I begin to falter on every grain of doubt that makes its way through the channel of reason.

This is a journey I never expected to be so congruously simple and complex… all at the same time.  

There are always so many questions, and hardly any straight answers. 

Is it meant to be this complicated? How can someone be so far along this "journey" and still feel so lost at times?

Why do we seem to believe only what we can see - when there are endless examples of times that we thought we knew because we could see, yet later learnt that it wasn't at all as it seemed. In that case, why is it so hard to believe in the unseen? Maybe, at times, its actually safer to believe in what we can't see rather than what we can… because what is seen is often deceiving but what is unseen, has already been seen by God… 

Like the future, is unseen. 

When your heart and your head (meaning YOU) are in a relationship with the Creator of all things… it is then that life begins to hold meaning. 

And all the uncertainties that whisk past will one day be distant memories, as the reality of God's love evolves within our very being. At the core of our identity.

The struggle between trying to define God, and allowing God to define me feels endless; though there must be a limit. For if time had a start it must also have a finish… What shall we believe? That which I think I can see or Him who is in the unseen and the seen; who is beyond time, but has given time to us. The One who has not detached Himself from us, but has engraved His initials on our hearts - that we may discover as we remove the barriers and bare our souls towards Him. The one who can never be without Love, for He is infinite and His very essence is love. The One who is beyond the very word "Him" or any gender, but in our finiteness we tame and make "sense" of in order to embrace God within our slowly enlarging capacity.  

The longer you stay, the more you know, the more you lose, the more you love.

Trust. Faith. Hope. and of course Love. 

this is the world that we live in

This is the world that WE LIVE in

We are alive during a time like this

We are part of it

Its OUR world

insinuating OUR responsibility

holding to the essence of ownership

When you simply observe the word "Life" and all other words that derive from it, you gain a sense of understanding that it reflects growth, reproduction, vitality, health, existence, eternity, opportunity, justice, equality, humanity…

its very much a reality to every single "living" and breathing organism: including people. 

LIFE does not happen on its own - its a product of our environment. Life is to be shared. It is as though everything is connected, which means our lives are not independent of the consequences of others. Our choices, our societies, our experiences, our contribution, our attitudes, and our ignorance all contribute to our world. 

We are all responsible.

Those who have instilled a realisation that life is a gift and should be treasured, looked after, and used in the way it was intended to BE, perhaps have a greater desire and understanding to play a part in the health and growth of our world. 

The horrors that take place in every continent, nation and city can no longer be over looked. Seriously… its almost impossible to not be somewhat aware… 

And if its true that this is OUR world, implying that we are responsible, and its true that most of us know SOMETHING, then the conclusion is that all of us are accountable. 

If my decisions affect your decisions, then I need to take more notice and care of you. 

Some antonyms of Life are death and nonexistence. Sadly, its possible to be "alive" and yet live and feel as though you don't exist - oxymoron? No one should feel as though they don't exist or don't deserve to be alive. 

If you are ALIVE - you have LIFE, which means you have purpose and a part to play. Many people, when referring to what it means to live a life of purpose, think they need to invent something ground breaking or become the president.

I think to truly live a life of purpose… you need to live in a way where you carry a sense of ownership and responsibility to the world we live in. Desiring to see others living truly "alive". 

It may be beneficial, in your own time, to try and define the word "life" and then apply it to yours. 

If you are someone who believes in bringing change, start by caring for more than just your OWN. Extend your cares to others. Even those you may never meet, or those in generations to come… 

Because my life affects your life.

And our lives create our world. 

If you think you deserve opportunity, a good life, a home, freedom, justice, love, family, marriage, and happiness… 

Ask yourself how much you believe the same for others.

Would we be willing to sacrifice or give up part of our own lives, if it meant seeing others find freedom, justice, love… Life. 

The reality is that our own lives are more fulfilled when we are part of a greater cause. There is such freedom in being part of seeing someone who was living in the antonym stage, be restored back to "life". And in return... we all gain. 

I hope to better learn that my life is not only about me when my life is a vital part to how our world is today. 

It's not just about my dreams, my future, my family, my joy, my desires...my my my…

I need to live with a greater sense of OUR; which I am a part of but not the centre of.. 

internal scream

I hate comparison amongst people. Yet, I do it about myself all the time. 

The only comparing I think is beneficial, is to compare myself to Jesus, not in trying to weigh who is better, because then I will never win. But in the sense of measuring whether I am more like Jesus today, than I was yesterday.

If you're going to compare, compare yourself with Jesus in a way that encourages you to keep on keeping on… 

He is our example, and people are not our competition.

When you become more like Jesus, comparing yourself to others becomes irrelevant, because you end up being thankful that you are the way you are… and you begin to realise that you are the way you are for a reason, a very special reason. 

Let's try to enter into 2012 with a sense of purpose, expecting it to be a year unlike the last; unique in its own right. This requires, along with several other aspects, an element of change and an ounce of acceptance. Acceptance in the sense that there are some things I can't control, predict, or plan but with my faith in God, I can still trust that I am heading in the right direction and on the right course. There can be many paths (and people) along the way, as long as they're still… on the way. 

And change? well there must always be change. If there is no change, there is no flexibility, and when there is no flexibility there is limitation. And when there is limitation (internally) along our paths, then there is a great chance of simply stopping and becoming stagnant, perhaps initially for a "break" that unnoticeably becomes a permanent camp out. Never fully there, never fully here, never fully anywhere. 

I have learnt that there are few things in life that I can be one hundred percent sure of. What concerns me is not whether my opinion on theological, cultural or social conflicts and debates are correct. There may be things I used to think I knew knew knew… which today I can't stand alongside anymore. There are only a few things I am sure sure sure about, of which one is that God loves people and cares about people and He wants us to do the same. If you ask yourself, "what's the ONE thing that makes my insides boil, what is the ONE thing I would give my life for to make a difference, what is the ONE thing I want to see change, what is the ONE thing I carry great passion for"… if there is nothing you can think of, may 2012 be the year where you allow yourself to feel once again, even though it can cause great pain and doubt. Being numb isn't fun for anyone. When you become numb to your passions, you become numb to yourself. When you are numb to yourself, it never only stays within yourself but reaches to those you love. 

If there is one thing that makes me scream on the inside, its when I hear, read or see injustice. But this isn't something only a few of us feel, its probably innate within all of us because we were created in the image of God who is completely Just and completely Love, whether we accept that or not. Though I can never fully understand why it is so hard to believe that we were created in the image of an amazing God and were created for purpose, but it's easier to believe that we just happened upon life. Is it because the acknowledgement of that reality, requires a responsibility that most of us are not willing to carry? 

Sometimes I wonder why I torture myself by reading articles and books that fuel this scream inside of me, am I waiting until it is so loud it can actually be heard audibly? or am I waiting until something has changed so that the scream has reason to be silenced? Sadly, in this world, I think there will always be an internal scream, because there is always someone with an internal cry for help. Sometimes heard, sometimes not. Once I have read, once I have seen, once I know… I can no longer act as if I don't. This scream, instead of causing chaos, can be channelled into guided creativity… 

Maybe not everybody believes they have a purpose but surely most people, if they really try, admit that there is something on the inside of them that wants to fight against what is unjust.

What if that which is "not right" wasn't considered as "just the way it is"… what if all the things rightly unjust, were questioned and challenged, even if it took more than one lifetime? I don't mean, unjust in that some people have five cars while others have one. I mean rightly unjust in that some people have paid holidays but in other parts of the world people don't even get weekends off. I mean unjust in how some women have their dream fairy tale weddings, and other women have lost all hope in ever finding freedom or joy. I mean unjust in how some kids are bloated with food, drink and snacks daily while others are lucky if they get one meal and some water every few days. 

When is the last time you heard your internal scream? Because, it is possible that you yourself have become deaf to that which fuels your purpose. If that's the case, then it is no wonder that you feel the way you do about purpose and life. Maybe. 

Let's together, allow 2012 be the year where we begin to take responsibility for that which causes great pain in our world: Even though its probably not "my" fault.  

much love

xx

The LAHORE Pull

I like to think of it as the Lahore pull. Only those who have lived there or are from there understand the pull Lahore has on our hearts when we are away. It is a strange phenomenon, one I have never experienced with other cities. I'm biased though. Is it a Lahori thing? Is it a Pakistani thing? Whether we went to school and never spoke or were best friends in elementary, somehow now we are all family. And when something happens to one of us, we all mourn together. If we can unite when there is pain, surely we can unite in order to try and end what is causing our nation - our family - to ache. The least we can do is try... 

The Unknown

The unknown is a scary phenomenon

Part of us is drawn to its mystery,

Yet another side of us abhors it, and does everything in our power to avoid a colision.

The unknown comes in many shades

There is the unknown of THE future

the unknown of MY future

the unknown of our inner hidden selves

the unknown truth about others

What all the unknowns have in common is this distinct heartbeat that accompanies in its shadows,

the heartbeat of fear and doubt

the heartbeat of insecurity and that sense of feeling lost,

We have all asked the questions: Where do I belong? What's my part? Why do I constantly feel like I don't fit in? Am I really so different?

I wonder if the unknown is only as scary as we make it to be?

Is it really so bad not knowing what is next, when next hasn't come yet? 

Does it really make sense to trust God about the unknown, when time keeps ticking and He hasn't informed us of His foresight? 

Is it possible to view the unknown in a different light, in order to limit its hold on us? 

If the unknown is something you tend to fear, as it is something I do at times, then perhaps this thought can enlighten you a little as it does me:

The unknown, when meaning the future and my part in it, is more like a surprise gift rather than sudden bad news that I could have avoided had I known about its journey towards me. 

The unknown doesn't have to be negative just because I don't understand it, see it, or know how to steer it. 

If the unknown is a surprise gift and God is the surprise gift giver, then I can know that this surprise is going to be good and beneficial to me and those around me; merely by the fact that God is good and does good. 

However, this does not eliminate bad things ever happening to me or hopping along my path. 

But it does give me something to hold on to, something more constant and consistent than having a concise picture of my future endeavours.

though I may not know, God does

though I may not understand, God does

Its actually quite silly to believe that if there were no more unknowns before me, I would be happier and more at peace,

No one's future can be fully known before-hand, because the world is full of people with unknowns, not just mine. 

And everybody's life choices contribute to OUR future. 

Its that season again where the unknown is ever so near and its shadows seem to linger,

I wonder, is it true that shadows falsely enlarge what they are reflecting?

If I walk out into the clearing, the shadows tend to disappear,

and I begin to trust the One who has no unknowns… especially not yours and mine.

As long as I am known by the One who knows all, I don't need to know all the unknowns there are to know, but I do need to know the One who knows…

God kind of Love

Is it possible to say that because God is Love, and knows best how to Love, that "Love and Loving" belong to Him? As in, since it is so part of who He is, flowing through His nature and being, that the very action is His right? It is only through the LOVINGNESS of God that we are allowed to take part in this beautiful encounter . So in a sense, when we love people we are representing God. We embody God in the way we love people. 

When we have been loved right, it is easier to see God as a Loving Being. But when we have been loved wrong (which is not really love at all) it almost becomes inevitable for us not to blame God. It is no wonder that when we dilute or disgust love, it often causes us to turn away from God. Love is so interconnected to God, that even the perversion of love is unfortunately reflected back onto Him in our weak efforts to try and make sense of pain and redeem any wrong done to us or through us… the worst kind of evil is the dressed up in goodness and love kind. Manipulation is a mask that can only be worn in the dark, but the God kind of Love always supplies light and life…

If Loving is His, and I choose to extend love, then I must love like Him… right?

This can be done in the way I word things, the way I think about people, the way I look at people, the way I talk (or choose not to talk) about people, the way I smile at people, the way I treat people, the way I make people feel… Just as there is so much more to loving than simply saying the words or trying to look like we're doing the right love things, so is there more to God than we often realise or acknowledge… there is so much more to Him than we give Him credit for… 

If Love (the action) were a person what would you think about them and how would you respond to them? 

What if it is true, like really true not just kind of true, that God is in fact LOVE; And not just love in the way we're used to or think we know, but Love in its purest form, Love that we will never fully grasp or make clear sense of, Love from the source… Would that change the way you think about God? Even just a little? Why is it that the one thing we crave and desire most, when offered to us, is the hardest thing to truly accept and live inconsistently?