Closer than you know

My grandfather is a pastor, my dad is a pastor and somehow I married a pastor (even though I used to think it wasn't a real job) but...

I get major social anxiety when I go to church or when I think about going to church. 

I have sweat issues only on Sunday's.

Sometimes I don't go to church because I don't have anything to wear that could hide the sweat marks.

Sometimes I don't go to church because it's the place I feel my loneliest or when I'm not having a particularly confident day to face my irrationality. 

Going to church is a struggle every week. 

It is the place I feel most fear, most uncomfortable and most alone.

I don't feel at home there at all.

I don't ever feel like myself either.

I constantly worry that I'm seconds away from being put on the spot and shamed. I don't know why.

I hate the passive small talk, particularly because my voice doesn't travel in a loud and spacious place. People are repetitively saying, "what?" and then leaning in far too much into my personal space. I'm tired of meeting and re-meeting people every weekend and never getting farther than the formalities and friendly forced smiles. 

One Sunday as I was walking over all dressed up, I suddenly felt like I was going to have a panic attack so I rushed back home, holding in my breath the whole way, until I was safely inside and shut the door. Then I broke down in ugly tears and was out of breathe like I had just ran a 400 metre sprint. 

Every weekend I am convinced that church is not the place for me. In my heart, I know that this is ludicrous and I would never ever believe that to be true for anyone else. Never ever ever ever. 

It makes me angry, week after week. Especially knowing that there are people around the world who risk their lives going to church or for openly believing in Jesus. While here I am, safely cushioned in Australia. Freely able to believe and to go without risk. But somehow I am the one overcome with fear. 

I know that when I am weak He is strong. And I know that He loves me with an everlasting love. I know that He knew me even before I was born. I know that if He physically walked into the middle of a church foyer I would feel most at home and most at ease. I would run towards Him and not let go of His arm (or leg). I wouldn't even need to say a word. I would just linger on every word He spoke. Simply being with Him would be everything I'll ever really need. And I would be in complete peace. Finally. 

But actually He is here, closer than you know. His promised Spirit lives within, before, behind and all around. The King never forsakes our souls. Wherever we go, He is. His peace, His wisdom, and His voice always within reach. His love and protection forever true to be. Though we may never know. Though we always forget. Though we often ignore. Emmanuel, it means here with us. Still, that doesn't mean my fears magically disappear. But it does mean that I can be real, without shame. Because in my weakness, He is strong. I don't have any practical solutions for social anxiety, but I do have a thing for people being honest about what shocks others or admitting to what you'd never dream of revealing.

I sincerely believe that we have this strange power to make someone feel completely at ease or totally invisible. But on the other hand, we also have the choice to let what others say or do, to either inflict our wounded souls into ruin or to make our bruised hearts bigger and stronger. 

Choose life. Personify compassion. Exhale encouragement. Bleed genuine interest. Liberate understanding. Seek Lady Wisdom. Wear LOVE like a staple garment, never leave home without it. Tie loyalty and kindness around your neck, write it deep within your heart. Don't be perfect, be raw. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tjFSVf8uRfY 

"Closer Than You Know"

(Hillsong United)

I tempered the storm

Though your faith was small

I prayed while you slept

And the night waged war

We stood in the fire

And we walked on sea

And we drank of the wine

That was made of Me

Don't turn your eyes from Me

For My love won't be undone

Don't hide your face from Me

For My light has surely come

Surely come surely come

I carried that cross

And I felt your pain

I took up your crown

And I wore your shame

And death was a fire

And its teeth were grim

But I left it behind

Along with all your sin

Don't turn away from Me

For My love won't be undone

Don't hide your face from Me

For My light has surely come

Surely Come surely come

Lift up your eyes and see

Heaven is closer than you know

Lift up your voice and sing

Know that My love won't let you go

And I won't forsake you

Lift up your eyes and see

Heaven is closer than you know

Know I'll never leave you

So lift up your voice and sing

Know that My love won't let you go

And My light has surely come

Surely come surely come

And I'm closer than you know

And I'm closer than you know

Lord I hear You I know You're there

Closer now than my skin and bones could dare

Breathing deep within me

You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare

Brighter now than the sun could ever dare

Breathing all around me

God I know You're with me here

Lord I hear You I know You're there

Closer now than my skin and bones could dare

Breathing deep within me

You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare

Brighter now than the sun could ever dare

Breathing all around me

God I know that You are here

For I'm Yours and You are mine

And my soul knows well

You are here

You are here

And my soul will praise You

And my soul will praise Your Name

Singing Holy is Your Name

Jesus

Jesus

Uhh "thanks"

Thankfulness is the key. The password to feeling God's heart raw. The difficult passage into loves lighting. The only road to freedom from the shackles holding us back.

This is what I sensed when I asked directions for the way. Thankfulness is the key, to breathe fresh air again and leap into the open field of dreamers. 

You'll often hear of people who so positively express, "you need to make the choice to be happy and to let your heart forget". It always sounds so typical, so cliche, so "Christian". I never understood how to simply fake your way through all the wreckage. How can you just be thankful when everything you hoped for has vanished from your grasp? How can you just be positive? How do you make yourself happy? Isn't there another approach we can take, in order to walk right and not collapse? Or will we then forever be waiting, never able to relax?

But my normal isn't working, my mind is still entrapped. Though my soul has been set free, I'm left tangled in my own web.

I want to learn to thank. I need to know how to forgive. Letting go is not my strength. I carry too much of what I've been dealt. 

All that I have left, is to step outside my own and thank our King for everything. Even when my heart is cold and my insides feel so alone. Maybe if I thank Him, everyday for everything, I'll see the things I'd usually ignore when I abandoned my thoughts in a selfish mope. 

So how does this thanking thing work anyhow? Do we just say it and be done? Uhh "thanks". No seriously. Thank you kindly por favour, I am genuinely much obliged. 

Oh but it's got to be so much more than saying nice and polite words. After all, words are only true words when they carry worth that's travelled from somewhere deep inside the heart. Without the heart, words are mere nonsensical letters placed in a strategically deceiving order. But the heart always knows. Words from the heart have lived a life within, before they wandered out with purpose to explore the air and journey on. Words of life are like pockets of seeds and water and sunshine all gathered into one whisper and sprinkled over like gold dust. These words never return void. Nor do the promises of our God once foretold. Only when we know this to be truth and we hold onto it for dear life, only then can we know how to live a life of daily merci. 

Perhaps, I should start by thanking Him for what I can obviously see and what I can tangibly feel. Like my husband and my job and my family and my imaginary dog. Maybe then I will begin to believe for a life beyond what the I can see. Yes I meant I. More importantly, maybe then I'll be able to live overwhelmingly devoted to knowing Him rather than to owning what is His. 

Dear God, I really do just want to be most uncomfortably close to Thee. 

That's all. 

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the LORD’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

Isaiah 55:8-13 NLT