Punching

I like open honesty. On one hand I feel completely comfortable sharing personal challenges in my life but on the other hand I'm quite closed and reserved. It depends on the listener really, sometimes people are better listeners when they read.

I got married at one of the loneliest times in my life so far. I've been lonelier before, but this time it was different. This time it was worse because I felt like I didn't have a vision to look towards or a hope for my future (for reasons that are my own). At least, that's what I had been convinced of by my own fears and disappointments. I'm starting to believe that the luxury of this way of thinking is seriously self centred. Pause. Think. 

Anyhow, my drive for more was at an all time low. I was in a sprititually and emotionally dark place. With that comes a whole lot of yuckiness that is very heavy to carry into a new marriage. 

I was able to put these despairing feelings on hold, in fact, I even forgot they were there for a little while, because I had a wedding to look forward to! And I'm one of those girls that religiously started planning my wedding when I was 13, collecting second hand bridal magazines, choosing songs to walk down the aisle to, drawing bridesmaid dresses, etc etc. It used to be my biggest dream for a very long time. Getting married seemed like a life of freedom and joy. I was entranced by the fairytale mindset, waiting for my happily ever after. Thankfully that changed. Somehow I still managed to kiss a few frogs that did not turn into my prince, even though I held this ideal view of marriage and finding my husband. The One-derful. I was once the shyest most insecure girl I knew. I was even too shy to order my own meal in restaurants. I had no backbone or confidence, except at home. There I became a little screaming devil. Of course, it was just a whole lot of anger, confusion and frustration bottled up, that would only errupt in the comfort of home. 

Oh to be a teenager again... No thanks. You see, I was never bullied in school, but, like everyone, I had my own obstacles to live through. I had to deal with rumours of being called a slut, thus I had to live through the shame and emotion of people looking at me with judgement and disapproval, yes adults too. I didn't have a whole lot of girlfriends in high school. I guess they rightfully gave up on me, after I kept putting boys before them one too many times. Boys made you feel special and all at once they could made you feel like an inside joke. But insecure girls like me, thought I needed them and didn't know I could actually walk away boldly and survive. When you're that young, you have no concept of consequence over your actions or wisdom for the future. You just react to everything, every feeling, every thought. I made ginormous mistakes that included cheating and lying and failing.  There wasn't much hope if you saw me back then. But I carried hope inside of me, before I stepped foot into the reality of grownup land. I always had a way to see beyond the now into the what might be. 

Still, after years go by, and you're living in what once was the might be, and it's not at all what it could have been, and you're no where near what you thought it would be, and you have no more confidence in your dreams left in the unseen. Well. What can I say? Life becomes meaningless. And anyone who lives a meaningless life, or with the belief that their own life is meaningless, is not a happy person. Marrying and living with someone like that is even harder. Jason Lessels deserves a medal for choosing me.  

So into our marriage I dragged along a whole dumping of insecurities. Many of them physical. You know, when you're married theyre going to see everything! That's scary, if you're physically ashamed and do tricks in the locker rooms so you can change infront of someone without anything being unveiled. To name a few silly insecurities:

1. Going number 2. This thought used to cause a lot of distress. Even before I met Jase, I used to worry about how you can go do your business when you're married. Do you go really early before he's awake? Do you wait to go until he's out of the home?! Safe to say that it is no concern at all anymore, but rather a regular topic of conversation. Word of advice, if you can't talk about that stuff, don't marry him. 

2. Body hair. Oh my goodness. Laser hair removal. Need I say more? Well, unless you live in Newtown. 

3. Worst one of all, stretch marks that I got through puberty. This caused deep anxiety. I thought, here is this guy that thinks I'm beautiful but one day he's going to discover how ugly and scarred I am. I mean, we live in Australia where pregnant women and moms walk around in bikinis streak free. I wear shorts when I go swimming. I don't even have kids yet, so I can't use that excuse. We also live in the era of celebrities and social media where every woman seems to be perfect and toned. It's scary entering into marriage, feeling like these women all over the world are visual competition of what your husband will compare you against. 

Truth is, when a man really loves you, he honestly, truly loves all of you - scars and co. ladies! He doesn't even really see what you see. Love really is blind in this case. 

Like I said, I got married in the midst of one of the loneliest times in my life, which should have been one of the happiest times. I never imagined it would be that way. But everyone's journey is different. It's best not to place unattainable expectations on your wedding or marriage. You can't really compare your experience to others. As hard as that is. 

Side note: You'll probably have to deal with months of people repetitively asking you how married life is and whether you're still in the honeymoon period. People are so weird, why would you ask anyone that?! What if the answer is no? That's another reason why I dislike small talk; acquaintances ask stupidly intruding questions that have become socially acceptable and we're all expected to respond exaggeratedly happy every single time. No one usually wants the plain truth, they just don't know what else to say. So you get shoved into the "just married" corner and you will stay there until someone else fills your place. 

To be fair, my husband is the one who kept our marriage intact, particularly the first year. Not because we weren't right for each other, but because I wasn't in an emotionally healthy place. Friendships were few and far between, social interaction was limited (no ones fault but my own, I know! But it's not that simple), I couldn't get a job for over a year and the whole hope for the future thing that I mentioned was inconspicuous. And to top it off, I married a pastor. This was probably the hardest thing to adjust to, not that I don't value what he does. Quite the opposite in fact. But when your self worth is down in the dumps, you start to see yourself in a very negative light and you end up believing quite a few lies. And when you believe such lies, you begin to carry them on your back and in your thoughts, so your whole countenance screams it out loud.

I was certain that I had made the right choice in marrying him (one of my few good decisions), but I was also stubbornly convinced that he had made a grave mistake in marrying me. I was just waiting for him to wake up and realise it for himself. But instead of hoping that day wouldn't come, I lived in defence, always preparing for the worst, unaware that I was creating unnecessary difficulties for myself. I thought this was a safe way to avoid getting caught off guard when he'd decide not to want me anymore. I thought I could be in control of not getting hurt. That makes sense right? 

Fortunately, I married the best man in the world and one day men will travel from great distances, bearing gifts, in order to glean from him and gather wisdom on how to love your wife through anything, and love her more and more each day. 

People always joke about how Jase is "punching", but that is far from truth. I know it's said in lightheartedness and is part of the culture here. But I cringe whenever people say that, because all I can think is, "little do they know..." In my understanding, it only emphases how our society places value and importance on physical attractiveness, which only accentuates the bigger problem we have with physical insecurities and distorted views on beauty. Gosh! Someone needs to lighten up.

Not that I'm at all competent to say anything, but just from what I'm learning in marriage, sometimes he is strong and other times she will be (in my case, he always is). But a marriage will stand as long as one of you is willing to lead and love through the dark times. Like Jason says, "we're in this together." Jason Lessels has also pinky-promised and swore that he will not die before I do. And I often like to remind him of this promise, it should have been in our vows. 

But in all seriousness, your youth and past relationship experiences play such a major role in more than just your future marriage or friendships, but even in your personal development. I know everyone already knows this but I think many of us go through life never addressing things or taking the past into account in regard to present struggles or pain. My unqualified advice would be, if you are heading into marriage and lifelong partnership, don't keep space available for the past to haunt you unexpectedly, but rather ackowledge the past, walk through it, ask questions, and then move on into your future a little lighter. The more you can understand and release from your past, the more empowered you become. So look back for a little while, just enough to help you move forward. But don't go alone. 

Relationships are important. You get thrown into them from day one, it's called family. Relationships create who you become and how you evolve. I suspect that you can have a happier marriage if you also pursue healthy friendships. And don't forget that your spouse is your best friend too. I tend to forget quite often. People are important. People bring out more or less of your true personality. Children need to know this, teenagers need to know this, adults need to know this. But that's a topic for another day...

Romy

I haven't been able to write for months. The harder I try the uglier it gets. I'm agonised by the sense of having nothing to offer, I am aware of how little life I've lived lately. I am overly conscious of writing anything in fear of it being hypocritical. Nothing I've written recently, reads authentically. Everything I have written in the past now feels obtuse. 

I've reached a season in my life where, every other day feels like the day my head might actually melt off. Just diffuse. I'll simply disappear into self-loathesomeness. 

You see, there isn't anything I can do to change the past or go back and make better decisions or more use of the time I once had. Thus, I am living with the struggle of lost and wasted years, which has built up into enormous regret, even anger. I have an ever protruding knot inside my chest. If I appear cold, quiet or distant it is merely to control any slight emotional nudge that may press my tears button in a most untimely event. 

There are few instances more depleting than feeling like your whole life has led up to nothing, just one big drop into naught. You started off with such zeal and passion. But somewhere at a crossroad, you hitched a ride with fear, discouragement and doubt. They became your comfortable-corrupt associates, always stealing away the days you needed confidence and joy. In essence you were in the right place at the right time but with the wrong crowd. Listening to the voices that held you underground. A whisper inside your heart always said, "One day I'll change. I won't always be this way". And you'd have visuals of the future you that gave you hope to last. Future you was brave and bold, she was confident in speech, generous with her smile, intellectual and challenging, she believed in the impossible and wasn't afraid of taking risks. It was like she wasn't you at all. But you believed in her, you believed that she could become. You just missed the part where she could only evolve through you, from all the small, seemingly insignificant, daily choices. You had the ability to grow into her and that's where you went wrong. Now you wonder whether she has become a distant mirage of someone you once thought you'd meet. But in reality, she never even came into existence. Future you was never allowed to be. 

Does this mean that you're stuck? Cause it certainly feels that way. Is it ever too late to dream again or hope for something more meaningful? 

There is nothing worse than a life without meaning. But meaning is all around us. Everyday is filled with it! Everyday we encounter people, which means everyday is an opportunity to love somebody, to smile at somebody, to help somebody, to pay for somebody, to encourage somebody... The thing is, these little good-kind-caring things aren't usually considered meaningful or worth living for. We pretend like we believe they are, but they never quite seem enough. Until we keep doing them habitually. Until they become who we are. Givers. That's when we'll know what truly is everything. 

As per usual, I was looking at life all wrong. I was starting to feel like Romy in Romy and Michelle's Highschool Reunion. I needed something to prove I was somebody, that I had excelled, that I was successful, that I was really heading somewhere in life. So instead of being loving I was bitter. Instead of being thankful for what I have, I was living with a sense of lack. Instead of embracing the revelation that God is the one who brings worth to our lives, I let society decide what was worthwhile in life. Sometimes hopelessness hits you like a life threatening illness. But if there is one more day left in you, there is always a reason to be thankful and another opportunity to take responsibility. Life becomes more valuable, when you concede that you are full of value and embody a devotion of bringing value to others. 

The Christian life is one of having reoccurring amnesia about what God has already done and begging for daily proof of His proximity and faithfulness. But He does not forget that you exist and His knowledge of your timeline is more indepth, broad and in context than your experience of it in the present. 

I can be so good at making such a big deal about nothing, complicating simplicity. You know, it's scary admitting to feeling like I failed God. If it came to the end, I'm not sure He'd say "well done". 

That's what kills me the most. 

But don't let regret eat your potential or spit out your faith. Stab it in the head like it's the walking dead. 

I predict that in the coming years, I will look back with greater understanding. Right now, I'm only writing with whatever optimism I have left in the reappearance of future me. Thankfully she's just me, I'm here now and God is too. So are you.

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”

Matthew 25:35-36, 40 NIV