Stretched

When you're 37 weeks pregnant in the Sydney summer heat, and you feel like a waddling sack of potatoes with elephant thighs and a gorilla neck, and you're starting to worry that you may never go back to your slim figure and you may never fit any of your jeans anymore. And the reality that you're going to have to go through labour, having no idea what to expect and there's no way out, is starting to sink into your chest. But you feel terribly guilty for feeling these things when there's a wonderful new life growing inside of you. You want to be brave and strong and positive for their sake. You'd never dream of your babies having these thoughts towards themselves. You'll strive the rest of your life trying to raise them to be confident and love the body they've been given.

But you're also a woman, whose identity, for a big part of your life, has been held up -wrongfully- inside your looks. And now, all that you thought you were has been enlarged and morphed and you don't look like yourself anymore. And not only that, but you are no longer your own. Everything about you from here on out, is going to be about the little human you carried into this world. And if you're like me, you don't have another job you're going back to. This is it; for now. You thought you wanted this, and you do. But you're still scared. You still feel insecure. And you still feel out of place in your stretched out new role.

This is the truth in how I feel. I don't always know how to be positive and confident about my new body. Sometimes I want to hide from places where people know me. Every time I encounter others they tell me how I still look great and only have a bump, the rest of me is still the same. And I just want to kindly grab them by the ears and introduce them to my hips n' thighs that kicked out my pants. It doesn't make me feel better about myself. It makes me feel even more pressured to be physically superficially beautiful. And it subtly disregards my very real insecurities and fears. 

I wonder if most mummy's to be feel this way at some point in their pregnancy journey? Or have I just completely got it all

wrong? How dare I be so selfish in making the entrance of this new life dampen my self-confidence because of my own bodily imperceptions. I realise that I have a long way to go. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I was finally growing into my true self, confidently. It turns out, that I've slowly stepped backwards. But the hurdles we face in life are never set up in a perfectly neat row. The right way isn't always straightforward. Honesty is of greater worth than holding up a good image. Honesty allows for sincere change and lasting growth. It might take longer to get anywhere, but the security in certainty is deeper than before. 

The next time you want to encourage a pregnant woman, don't only comment on how she looks, because she doesn't need to be reminded of her physicality. She's faced with it every morning when she gets dressed, every time she looks in a mirror, and every time she rolls over in bed. Instead, ask her how she deeply feels, her world is about to change and she may be vulnerable. She needs to know that there are still people out there who see her, really see her, on the inside. As she is about to step into the most valuable position anyone could ever hold, she needs to know that she's not just going to disappear all alone in her home. 

You and I

Sometimes I can forget that we are lovers. I forget that we're bestfriends. That we actually really really really like each other. That there is no one else I'd rather spend all my time with. Sometimes I forget that we're a team, that we are one, that we're a family. 

And I take for granted your love, your endless kindness, your precision in my wellbeing, your profound patience with my list of annoyances. I take for granted the goodness of your heart. I take for granted that I am loved. Loved to the ultimate extent of human capability. In our story, you are selfless. 

And I can't compete. 

But I don't need to, because we are together in life, we are us. 

Still. I fail you all the time, but you'd never say. I disappoint you everyday, but you'd never tell me. I can complain about anything and everything, but you never do. I can be my worst-ugliest-most hurtful self and you gaze at me longingly with respect and devotion. 

I am not even close to loving you like you've loved me. But I am forever committed to our story, as long as we are dwellers on this earth.

We are together in life, you and I. 

Thank you for making us better ❤️

Eternal Soul

The pursuit of outward beauty is a trap and a drug and it's strong and breakable and it lives deeply on the surface inside our doubting self-reflections, as it is lost and found in the eyes of all the people that we meet. Constantly begging, 

"Look at me!"

"Approve of me!" 

"Like me!"

We search in others what we long to see in ourselves. And we fall prey to the chains that entangle our twisted mind games. The more I slave to the desires of the flesh, the less I laugh or love or encourage or engage. And when I'm comfortable laying in the dirt of my destructive neglect, I detest all meaning in life and forget the great thrill of pure joy found within our King's Enchanting Grace. 

Life is full of circles that we ride. We come out one end, thinking it's past, only to go around once more. Stuck inside this minefield that tells us, 

"As long as you're skinny, you're ok." 

"You're not so pretty today, best stay inside and play."

But we're always hungry if we stay behind perfection's lies. There's only one way off and it's up. Break your nails if you have to, scratch your face up, dirty your knees, do whatever it takes to kick away from defeat. Search the skies, unlock your soul, bleed out until you can't anymore.

Let Love remind you of the purpose in a day, in this life. 

Inside the skeleton of your heart there is a seed that is at home, but longs to grow. It is yours and it is you, real, true beautiful you. 

Squint past the darkened shades of beauty in body and face, dig deep for the authenticity hidden beneath our skin, behind our obnoxious scrutinisation. We all have seeds that the world needs to know. So please know, and know well. Invest time and attention. Encourage and feed. Voice! Grow!

Within each seed is life and the signature of the One who is the planter of all the world's wondrous eternal souls. 

My Constant Mood

                       Consistency

It's safe and protective. It's dependable and strong. It takes discipline and it's not always easy. At times it's predictable, but I'd rather that than what I've known. Sir Trustworthy is definitely more desirable than Mr. Unreliable. It's calming and it's releasing. In its midst is sheer freedom and unfading truth. I know it has many challenges and frustrations, making wise choices for the betterment of me and you. This is real love, it's what everyone is searching for. This steady sacrifice. How do you hold it so organic and pure? Loyalty is your unrivalled pursuit. Your arms are my safe space. There'll never be a reason to live life without your face. Our hearts are chained through and through. Sometimes I reminisce about the early days, when everything was so shiny and new. Every touch electric, every look fully amused. But I love that we are us, I love who we're becoming. Most of all, I love that no matter what, wherever we go, we are going. You are my greatest earthly epitome of love. My constant mood.

Perfect love?

Sometimes I wonder if God is present everywhere, when you look at the state of the world it's hard to believe. 

Is He with the five your old girl that was kidnapped off the streets, ganged raped for days and then strangled to death? 

Is He with the child who lost their family at sea?

Is He with the daughter sold by her own daddy? 

Is He with with the little ones struggling in sickness, fighting for a chance?

Is He with the hungry toddler who hasn't eaten for days?

Is He with the orphaned baby, left outside alone? 

Is He with the little boy who isn't safe at home? 

"Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.

 Little ones to Him belong. 

They are weak but He is strong."

We used to sing this so diligently, it rings in my ear like a haunted melody of a more innocent time. When it was brainless to believe that He is strong when we are weak. That He loves. That we belong. But everything about the world shrieks that He's gone. There's too much horror, there's too much pain. It's just too much now. No one is safe. 

I can understand why people give up on God. I can understand why the love of Jesus can seem comical. I understand that we could easily go down this track. But I believe there is a huge gap that we can't see. We can't see what He sees. He sees hearts and He hears minds. He's been through every historical rhyme. He's beyond time. His heart is broken, He never sleeps. His ways are higher than mine. This doesn't always make everything ok right now, but it makes everything ok in the end. 

But it's hard to understand why the darkness roams our world so freely. Snatching lives, gloating in terror, thriving on the fear it creates.

Stealing 

Killing 

Destroying

The tactics haven't changed, we just live in a smaller world now, a world that is allowed to see so much more than any world before. An unfair world of addiction and of torture. An unfair world of gluttony and starvation. An unfair world of free access to education but no drive to learn and children who are in danger for going to school. An unfair world of shiny malls and barefoot beggars patrolling the streets. An unfair world of social media bullies and desperate people praying for peace. An unfair world of online pornography and captured girls sold ruthlessly. An unfair world full of lives taken for granted and others who are just thankful to breathe through another day.

If we give in, we let them win. 

Even darkness is as light to Him. He is there in the midst where we aren't. It's hard to believe, but we must go on. We need to be stronger, we need to live larger. We need to let love do its thing. Perfect love, casts out all fear? We tend to fear what we shouldn't, that's how we give power to darkness, which then controls our minds. 

At the end of the day, if God is truly God, who are we to ask of His whereabouts; or ask anything at all? But we're impatient like that, we have limited understanding of His Sovereignty and take for granted His endlessly persistant grace. We forget who God is, we forget what He's done, we forget what He's really like, we forget that He is love. We forget that He is the one to reverentially fear. We think we can judge Him, doubt Him, walk away from Him, slander Him, hate Him. We think we can ignore Him, we think we can say or do anything when things don't go our understood way. We forget that He is God. We forget that we are not. We forget that we are nobody. Nobody at all. 

It's His perfect love that casts out all fear. We need to learn how to love, love like He's abundantly shared. May love seize all the choices that we make. And if we don't believe that love is strong enough, we simply don't know who love is at all. 

“We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.”

1 John 4:19 MSG

People Like Us

The more you want people to like you or be your friend, the harder it gets. Everything becomes personal. And your desperation for connection and acceptance gets plastered across your face and hinges into every conversation; just leaning in - hoping not to be too obvious, but longing to be noticed. 

The thing is, people don't know how awesome people like us are. We're not loud and chatty upfront. We are reserved and take our time observing you, before we decide if it's a safe zone. Safe as in, wanted and patient and open to listen and really see. Or is it a temporary friendly zone, with a lot of distance in between, not genuinely welcoming but, you know - polite. I guess you can say, does this person think their life is already too full without you? Do they not really see past your first door? Are you not cool enough to be invited? Are they too lazy or too busy to stay a while and probe? Are they interested or are they the over-lookers? Over-lookers; those who are drawn to the louder, chattier ones. The obviously secure, independent, confident, don't need anybody ones. The so called "born leaders" in the worldly sense. People like that don't always see people like us. But people like us, we're the real deal. We really see you because we take the time, we observe. We can be loud, we can be chatty, we're often funnier than most people will ever know, we're independent, we might even be more secure. But we're overlooked. We are overlooked because we aren't afraid to show weakness, we don't necessarily feel the need to keep it all together, we are strong enough to wait for people to see past the outer layer. The world might tell us that we need to be different, that we're not the popular kind, or charismatic, that we're boring to be around. Some of us are introverts, some of us are equal parts introvert/extrovert. Our whole lives, we will battle with feeling like we're unwanted and unliked. But we are the strong ones. We aren't afraid to show fear. We are the real deal. We are awesome.

Around extroverts, I'm an introvert. Around introverts, I'm an extrovert. I'm inconsistent to any particular kind. I'm not one way and not the other way. I'm both. Like a chameleon. I'm definitely still insecure, because I know how much another person can affect my presence. But I'm really good at making someone else feel grounded, feel like they belong, feel welcome. I light up around people that need me,  around quiet and shy people, around sad people, around people that feel like an outsider. I shut down around people that talk a lot, or interrupt a lot, or never seem to not know something, or never ask questions, or always make me feel rushed. The thing is, we're all insecure - on both sides of the spectrum. Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert or an introvert and an extrovert, we all have to deal with insecurities and things we don't like about ourselves.

Strength doesn't look like this - I'm never not ok, I'm always put together, I always know what to say, I have no reason to laugh at myself because I never make mistakes, I'm too busy to talk.

Weakness doesn't look like this - I cry when I'm put on the spot, I speak softly, I'm shy, I'm quiet, I never know what to say, I feel out of place, I'm nervous and it shows, I hate small group discussions.

Strength is being comfortable in making mistakes and looking a bit unkept. Strength is laughing at the stupid things I said and getting over it. Strength is looking silly if it means helping someone else look good. Strength is telling someone that I'm not ok. Strength is admitting when I'm wrong or when I don't know something. Strength is listening to someone else tell me something I already knew, as if it's the first time I've ever heard it, because it's their turn.

People need to be heard and people need to feel like they have something to say. The only way for this to occur, is to allow room for people to let go a little and express themselves without someone saying, "oh yeah I know" or "actually thats not true" or "Hmm, I don't know about that" or "oh yeah the same thing happened to me..." every single time we open our mouths. Don't be a person like that. Be a person that creates space. Don't be a person that suffocates and shuts down the atmosphere. Don't make every conversation a competition. When you interrupt, when you 'already know' and they know that you know, when you look away while they're talking, when you roll your eyes, when you rush them by saying "yeah" a millions times... it pushes introverts away, back into their shells. It doesn't encourage someone to get out into the sunshine and expand their horizons. It reiterates what they've already been telling themselves, "People don't care what I have to say, no one is listening anyway." Prove them wrong and the world will be a different place.

Because people like us have a lot to say. 

Through the Thorns

He handed you a rose, but you responded by drawing a sword. 

He offered you new life, but you kept looking back once more.

He filled your heart with dreams, but you begged Him to let them go. 

He met all your needs, still you always preyed for more. 

He promised to be faithful, but your doubt kept you alone. 

Then you often wondered if He could really love you up close, like He said so. 

It wasn't that He left or that He let you down, it was a lack of confidence, you just didn't know who you were. 

It wasn't that He never spoke, it was that you never listened and seldom heard as His heart broke. 

When you're at the point of crashing down, when you can reach out and touch rock bottom, when you can no longer pretend to believe in a better next. When you are certain that He's left, because you never feel His peace anymore. Thereupon, He assures your inner soul that feelings are forever interchanging, why believe in them at all? Dig your nails into His hands, then you will never be forlorn.

Still, you had to let yourself bleed through the thorns and learn from the pain, in order to plant your roots into the centre of His Way. Now, together, we can grow fields of love for others to be adorned.

But you need to stay within His arms. You need to remember His name when it's dark. You need to hold on to the memories of when He rescued us from those guns. You need to rehearse the words of love He sang those many years ago, "you are beautiful like a rose, so much lovelier than I know, you are all that I ever long for..." 

And don't forget about the time He left a pink rose just lying there waiting for you on a park bench. 

You need to stay, you need to remember, you need to hold on, you need to rehearse, you can't forget. 

Our Saviour is not the one at fault. But He'll most certainly carry all our burdens as though they're His to the count.

His love is personal enough to know you better than you do and strong enough to lead you farther than you'll believe. But it's too big to carry alone, it's too powerful to contain. It's like the unrestrained ocean flooding the earth, overflowing past the brims into the sand, through the forrest, over the tops of the trees, under the dirt beneath our feet. Even in the desert, we are free. 

I'm so thankful that God searches our hearts. With Him, life is never ending. We just need to keep seeking Him as we're pushing through each storm. It's too easy to get distracted from what is His undisguised truth. We're so quick to let disappointment push us down the road of destitute. But no one can walk so far away for it to be too late. We give up on ourselves way before our loved ones ever could. But God, never would. Even when it feels like He mostly certainly has or most assuredly should. 

There's room for everyone we know, you know? 

It's more than a house. It's our home. 

He is home. 

The light is always on. 

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.””

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT